Married With Freaks
by The Tacochickenwings
Summary: A fic based off of Sprite Station. On a dare made by Kai, Jack marries the Harvest Goddess, only to find that married life isn't what it's cracked up to be. What's a farmer to do? Why, experience sex in every form, of course.
1. Mind Your Erections

_**Welcome, one and all, to the newest Tacochickenwings classic-type story! Yep...I started off with things like this. The idea for this next bit of pervert trash just sort of popped into my mind. I know I promised the sequel to Accidentally In Love...I'm getting to that... So that story will be out soon. It still needs a name though.**_

**_Anyway, it's time for the story warning: beware of yaoi, yuri, cross-dressing, drugs, alcohol, sex, sex, swearing, sex, and...well, yeah._**

**_Anyway, enjoy it._**

**_Oops, by the way -- I must say that some of the chapters in this may turn out really short. That's because when writing a mega-ass long story like Love and Iniquity, it gets more than just tedious when you write those extremely long chapters. It's stressful. I'm writing this for my enjoyment too._**

**_Yeah. Ok, go read now. And please review! Chapter 2 will be out whenever._**

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_**Married With Freaks**_

_Started on July 18, 2006_

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_**Chapter 1 -- Mind Your Erections**_

_Another day of the same old-same old, _Jack thought as he tugged off his boots after stepping into the house. With a sigh, the young farmer took off his hat, ran a hand through his heinously odd-shaped hair, and looked around at the empty house before him.

_Yep. Alone again. With a silence like this, I can hardly believe I'm married..._

Jack rummaged through the fridge and selected an old beer. He sure did drink a lot these days. But wouldn't you, if you had been in such a situation?

Jack was the victim of something of an unhappy marriage. He married his wife off of motivation stemming from a simple dare made by his best (or perhaps not...) friend Kai, a young man who ran the Snack Shack on the beach...

**FLASHBACK TIME**

_Jack strutted up all cool-like to Kai's Snack Shack, his hands in his pockets._

_"Yo, Kai!"_

_A tan, twenty-some man wearing a purple bandana over his black hair looked up at the farmer as he approached, and grinned. "Hey, Jack. Tryin' to be ghetto again?"_

_"Yep, is it workin'?"_

_"No."_

_Jack shrugged and said, "Well, whatever. Get me a corndog, slim."_

_Kai rummaged through some boxes down behind the stand. "Sure thing."_

_The stand owner handed Jack his order, and in return, Jack gave his friend the money. That left time for chat._

_"So, Jack, gotten laid lately?" Kai asked casually._

_Jack grumbled and looked away in embarassment. Kai gasped._

_"YOU, of all people, have not gotten laid these past three days!"_

_"I've fucked almost every girl in this town twice, damn you, and --"_

_"What about the bo --"_

_"DON'T EVEN SAY IT, KAI. Anyway, I've fucked just about every girl in town, and damn, you're gonna be surprised when I say this, but...I'm getting a little bored of this swing-swing sorta life. You dig?" Jack explained._

_Kai took a step back, his brown eyes wide as he shook his head. _

_"I...I'm afraid I don't see what you're saying, Jack... Get bored? Of women? Jack, are you sure you're not gay?"_

_Jack squeezed his corndog so tightly it popped, and began to ooze some strange sort of liquid. Jack quickly dropped it and wiped the liquid off his hand, wondering briefly what Kai made his corndogs out of before resuming the conversation._

_Angrily, he turned back to Kai and protested, "NO, Kai, I am not gay! What more can I say about this? I'm bored of the women in this town."_

_"But Jack, you haven't fucked EVERY woman! Take Nami, for instance...and the Harvest Witch...and the Harvest Goddess, to name a few..."_

_"Nami bit the dick off the last guy who tried to get in her pants, remember? That was Rick. And the Harvest Witch, she's...I dunno...a little intimidating. But the Goddess, I...I...i-is that even legal?"_

_The Harvest Goddess was a fine slice of meat, in Jack's mind. Totally hot knockers. And not a bad face, either. But she was above everyone else, which was pretty natural, considering she was a goddess an' all._

_"And besides," he added, "I've banged all the bachelorettes from Mineral Town. That's gotta count as enough..."_

_"So you think," Kai remarked, snorting and fixing a smoothie for himself. "And about you saying the Goddess is too high up -- well, why not give it a try? Judging by the way you stuttered when I mentioned fuckin' her, I take it you like her?" He grinned and nudged his farmer friend, who blushed at the comment._

_"Well, maybe...whatever..." Jack grumbled embarassedly, shrugging._

_A mischevious look crossed Kai's features. Jack demanded to know the cause._

_"Well," said Kai, "I was thinking that perhaps we could have a little bet..."_

_"Yeah, I guess I dig, home slice."_

_"Stop that."_

_"Ok."_

_Kai began to explain the dare in a quick, no-breath fashion: "Well, since you're bored of just sex, why not get married? I say that you should not only bed with the Goddess, but marry her as well. Of course, as long as you have 10,000 steps on your pedometer, ship 10,000 items and one of every shippable item, catch at least 10,000 fish, reach the bottom of the first mine, unlock all 9 channels of the Sprite Station, give the Goddess 500 gifts, be in your fifth year or later, get the Legendary Sword, unlock the field behind the Waterfall, discover every different item in each of the four mines, and then find all 101 Harvest Sprites."_

_Jack was silent in bewilderment._

_"Who-the-what-fuck?" he blurted out at last. With a sigh, Kai resaid everything, then wrote it down on a piece of paper for Jack._

_"Those are the requirements," said the tan man. "Are you gonna take me up on the dare?"_

_"Well...what have I got to lose, right, dawg?"_

**END FLASHBACK**

Jack smirked bitterly. Such happy memories. It took a few years, but he fulfilled every requirement, and buttered up the Goddess until she was simply exhilerated with the prospect of marrying Jack, and by that time, he was pretty curious about married life himself. But it didn't take him long to wish he could regain his single ways...

Right after the wedding, the Harvest Goddess confessed that she could not live with Jack, and had to remain in her little pond. Jack bitched, but his bride had merely raised a hand and told him to shut the fucking hell up, for it was her responsibility to stay in that pond, as a Goddess. Jack inquired as to why, and she wouldn't even tell him the answer. The Goddess returned to that pond half an hour after the wedding, which meant no sex on the wedding night. In fact, during their whole six months of marriage, Jack and his wife had only had sex four times. Even heavy-duty masturbation wasn't enough to cover up the lonliness and annoyance Jack felt. He would lay in bed at night, wondering if he had doomed himself to a shitty marriage. Would it be saved? Would they divorce? Was the Harvest Goddess finding better sex elsewhere?

After indulging himself in an entire carton of ice cream he called dinner, Jack decided to go for a stroll. Maybe he could go to the Blue Bar and time himself on how long it took him to get hammered...again. Usually, it took quite a while, as Jack's alcohol tolerance was very high.

The night sky was just barely up when Jack left the house. And then, loud and clear, came the sound of a cow's cry of distress! And it was coming from Jack's barn!

"Oh, shit, what's wrong now!" he murmured, racing off to see what the matter was.

Inside the barn huddled a group of harassed looking cows. Takakura, Jack's deceased father's best friend and his now-ranchhand, was standing nearby, stock still.

"Takakura? Takakura, what happened?"

Surprised, Takakura turned around quickly. Jack always wondered how he could see through those impossibly bushy eyebrows of his...

"Jack!" Takakura cried out in his deep, raspy voice. "What are you doing here?"

"I heard a cow cry... Sounded pretty distressed," Jack explained.

Takakura rubbed the back of his head and replied awkwardly, "I, uh...no trouble here. I didn't lay a finger on them, ok?"

"...I didn't say you did."

"Well, y'know...for the record, I didn't."

Awkward silence. Then, Takakura said, "So, have you had any erections today, Jack?"

This was a question that would puzzle most, but Jack was used to it. Takakura asked him every day.

With a heavy sigh, the young farmer replied, "No, Takakura, I haven't had any erections today."

"Oh. Too bad. Neither have your cows."

"...That's good...I'll be going now..."

Jack made for the exit, with Takakura saying to his back, "Ok, have fun, young'un. Mind those erections now, alright?"

Jack left the farm at a quick pace, wondering why his father and Takakura had been best friends, which lead him to believe that there was possibly a side of his father that he hadn't known about...and didn't really care to know.

Jack strolled in the direction of the bar when something suddenly rammed into his side, knocking the wind out of him and sending him gasping to the ground.

"Jack, Jack! Like, oh my gawd, Jack! Jack, Jack, Jack!" squealed a voice. Jack opened his eyes, only to find most of his vision impaired by a set of huge knockers in his face. Clutching his chest, he squeaked in surprise. His "attacker" backed off a little, and Jack found himself face-to-face with a young woman with long, curly blonde hair, fear-wide green eyes, wearing a skimpy red dress. It was Muffy, the barmaid at the Blue Bar.

"Muffy...gawd...what the hell's the matter with you, bitch?" he groaned, wincing.

Muffy didn't seem to pay any mind to the insult. She was trembling in fear.

"Jack, I'm going to get raped!" she squeaked in a voice barely above a whisper, her green eyes flicking from side to side nervously.

"What...?"

"Here!" Muffy reached into her dress and pulled a note out from between her huge breasts. Jack unfolded it and read:

_Dear Bar Slut,_

_I am coming to nooky you at a quarter to nine. Get ready with the fine wine._

_Sincerely,_

_Steiner the Thief/Pimp/Chef/Rapist/Magician_

"Who the fuck is Steiner?" Jack wondered aloud after reading the note. That name _did_ sound familiar...

"Hello, earth to Jack! He's only the best theif/pimp/chef/rapist/magician around!" Muffy informed him.

And then it hit Jack -- he knew who Steiner was.

"Oh, shit, it's Steiner... But isn't he only in _Harvest Moon: Sprite Station FOR GIRL_? He shouldn't be here, he's not in the boy version!"

"Well, like it or not, he's coming to jazz with me!" Muffy cried. "I just found the letter taped to my back, and I didn't know who to turn to...and I...I saw you walking down the street, so I figured I'd just go after you!" The busty barmaid burst into tears.

"Umm...ok then... I'll protect you...on one condition."

"W-what's that?"

"I get free drinks all night. Deal?" said Jack, extending his hand.

"D-deal..." sniffled Muffy, reaching out and shaking it.

Jack stood up and wiped the dirt off his overalls. "Well, Muffy, now that we have that settled, let's say you go down to the Blue Bar and started preparing me all my favorite drinks, ok?"

Muffy jumped to her feet and nodded quickly. "Yes, yes, of course, Jack!" And off she bustled, down the road.

Jack chuckled to himself. "Sucker...!"

The farmer then realized that she had left him with the note. Jack read over it again, shrugged, and was about to ball it up and toss it over his shoulder when something fell out of the nearby tree and landed on top of him, once again sending him to the ground. Jack screamed bloody murder, fearing suffocation, as his face was pressed into the dirt by someone's ass.

"Ger off meh!" he shrieked, his mouth filling up with dirt.

"Oopsy." The culprit sounded male. Whoever it was got off of Jack, who immediately sat up and gasped for air.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, MAN? YOU TRYIN'A KILL ME!" Jack whirled around to face the unknown assailant. As it turns out, it was Steiner.

Steiner was hot. Even Jack thought so. The theif/pimp/chef/rapist/magician had fair skin, mid-length white hair, and electrifying aquamarine eyes.

_But I'm not gay for him or anything! Seriously! _Jack thought, blushing.

"Jeez. Sorry. I fell out of the tree, and I didn't mean to land on you, ok?" replied Steiner.

Jack stood up again and went on, "Second of all, what are you even DOING here? You're only in _Sprite Station: For Girl_!"

"Dude, don't tell me what to do. I go where I please. I am, after all, a theif/pimp/chef/rapist/magician."

"Yeah, which is also why it's pretty damn stupid of you to be standing out in the middle of this here street. Aren't you afraid of getting caught?"

Steiner considered that for a moment.

_He looks so cute when he's considering... _Jack thought. _Shit, wait -- I'm not attracted to guys! Seriously!_

"...I suppose there's reason in that," Steiner finally said. "But whatever." He reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a cigarette, and a lighter.

"You want a smoke?" asked the T.P.C.R.M.

"Huh? You smoke?" was Jack's reply.

"Pot. Do you want some or not?"

"Nah, I'm gonna get wasted anyway. No point in getting high at the same time, right? My wife might smite me. Literally."

"I guess," said Steiner, shrugging and lighting the dope.

Jack realized something. "Wait, Steiner, aren't you a little early? This note you left Muffy says you're not supposed to rape her until a quarter to nine." He handed the note to Steiner, who glanced at it in mild surprise.

"Oh. I forgot I wrote that."

"Then what are you doing here, exactly?"

Steiner took a drag from the pot, replying, "Wanted to see if I could score with Nami and Karen at the same time. You see, I have this bet with Kappa..."

"I don't wanna know, man. And don't even ATTEMPT Nami -- she bit Rick's dick off," Jack warned.

Steiner giggled. Jack figured that he was probably starting to get stoned by now.

"'Rick' and 'dick' rhyme!"

Yep. Stoned.

"Well, it's been nice talking to you, Steiner. Good luck with raping Muffy. I have some free drinks I need to tend to, so I guess I'll see ya around." Jack started for the bar, waving to Steiner over his shoulder.

"Alrighty then. See ya, dude."

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Jack stumbled into his house a few hours later, totally trashed. Without bothering to shut the door, Jack unsteadily made his way to his bed, but not before puking all over it. And then he passed out.

Before he knew it, the sun was glaring angrily through the window and right into Jack's eyes. He whimpered and burrowed under the covers. And damn, it was one fuck of a hangover...

"Good morning, darling!" a cheery voice cried out. The covers were ripped off of Jack's body, and he once again found himself the victim of the blinding sun.

"Wakey wakey!" A pair of hands grabbed Jack's shoulder and started to shake him. Jack remained unresponsive, wishing he would just pass out or die or SOMETHING.

"I said, 'wakey wakey'!" the still-cheery voice repeated. A hard, painful slap was delivered to Jack's face, and he growled angrily and opened his bloodshot eyes. The annoyance of the morning just so happened to be the Harvest Goddess. Jack had to admit, she was radiant as she always was.

_Damn immortals...they always look good... _he thought bitterly.

"You reek! Go take a shower, and I'll show you what I made you for breakfast!" the Harvest Goddess said.

"W-wait...honey bee, what're you doin' here? Didn't you have to stay at the pond today...?" Jack questioned, rubbing his sore eyes.

"I took the day off to be with you! Now go and shower."

Feeling a little pleasantly surprised, Jack went and showered at a turtle-like pace. When he trudged out of the bathroom again, his wife was at the stove, stirring something in a pot. Jack swallowed, not sure if he could keep anything down. The very thought of food was nauseating...

"I'm not feeling too good...I think I'll skip breakfast..." Jack said softly, slinking back to the bed. He shrieked in surprise when he saw that it was covered in Harvest Sprites!

"You don't want to do that. You really don't," they said in unison.

"Y-you're right, I don't!" Jack answered quickly, making a beeline for the breakfast table. The Goddess gave a pleased smile.

Covering his nose to block out the odd scent of the breakfast, Jack couldn't help but ask just what the Goddess had in the pot.

"Well, come see for yourself!" she giggled.

"...No thanks..." Just then, Jack looked down and saw a Harvest Sprite standing on his lap, staring at him strangely.

"On second thought, I think I'll come see...!"

Smiling proudly, the Goddess stepped aside so Jack could look into the pot... But what he saw made him scream and burst into tears!


	2. The Emo that Lived Underground

_**Well, here it is: chapter 2 of this pervyness. I hope you enjoy it. Poor Gray. Oh, and no offense to Gray and Keria lovers. So yeah. **_

**_Please read and review!_**

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_**Chapter 2 -- The Emo that Lived Underground**_

"Jack, honey, what's wrong!" questioned the Goddess, looking into the pot. "I don't see the problem."

"HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THE PROBLEM?" Jack screamed. "THERE'S A FURRY WHITE RABBIT IN THAT POT!"

"Yeah? So?"

"How could you kill that poor rabbit! And why didn't you take off the fur before cooking it?"

"I always eat rabbits." The Harvest Goddess reached into the boiling pot and pulled out the rabbit.

"Looks about done," she commented, ripping the head off with her teeth.

Jack made a break for the door, nauseated again.

"Honey, where are you going?" the Harvest Goddess asked sadly.

"To Kai's! Don't follow me."

Jack reached the Snack Shack in about three minutes. Once he arrived, Jack fell over on the ground, lying face down in the sand as he drowned in self pity. Kai came out from behind the shack, saw Jack, and kicked him.

"Jack! Jack, are you alive? Speak!" cried Kai, kicking Jack harder.

"Kai, stop it. I'm alive," Jack mumbled, getting a mouthful of sand in return.

Kai pulled Jack to his feet and stared at him. "Dude, you look like shit. And you reek. Did you get hammered again last night?"

Jack spat out some sand and replied, "Yeah... My drinks were free last night, so I took advantage of it."

"How'd you manage to scrape free drinks?"

"Muffy got a letter from some hot -- I, I mean...not hot theif/pimp/chef/rapist/magician named Steiner, saying he was gonna rape her. I told her I'd protect her in exchange for free drinks, so I got them. I dunno if he raped her or not though. See, Steiner fell out of this tree and just so happened to land on me, and he got stoned, so...I dunno."

Kai shrugged and said, "Well, sucks for Muffy, I guess. Anyway, do you want something to eat?"

"I'm hungover. I'll puke if anything touches my lips."

"A drink, then?"

"Just water."

"Gotcha."

Kai busily prepared Jack a glass of water, and the farmer chugged it thirstily. Recalling the rabbit-filled event of the morning, he smiled bitterly.

"What's with the look?" Kai asked.

"My wonderful wife took the day off to spend it with me," Jack answered, sighing heavily.

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"Not when she hires Harvest Sprites to make sure you do what she wants, and cooks dead rabbits."

"What!"

Jack explained the whole big event to his friend. Kai shook his head in disbelief as the story ended.

"Damn, Jack. I'm sorry I dared you to marry her."

"Whatever. Don't sweat it. It's probably a higher power's way of punishing me, anyway..."

"Greetings, boys! Have you been eating your veggies!" cried a voice. Kai and Jack spun around to face Carter, the archeologist at Forget-Me-Not Valley's digsite.

"I'm old-looking," Carter commented.

Kai nodded slowly, saying, "...Yes... I can see that."

Jack couldn't help but feel sorry for Carter. He had been a relatively sane man...at least until he had married his assistant, the dorky Flora. And marriage proved them both to be overly-fertile, as Carter and Flora now had 23 kids, with a 24th on the way.

"I have made a new discovery! I think we may have discovered a new mine at the digsite! Jack, I know you like to dig things. Would you like to come help?" asked the crazy archeologist.

"...I'm hungover," Jack stated. "So sorry, no thanks."

Carter grabbed Jack by his overall suspenders and started shaking him. Jack screamed, and Kai backed up in horror.

"You son of a bitch! Do you know what Flora's putting me through! Dammit, I don't think half of our kids are even mine! And yet I still have to hear them call me 'daddy'! I'VE HAD ENOUGH SHIT FOR ONE DAY, SO DO AS I SAY!" Carter screamed.

"Gawd, ok, ok!" Jack whimpered. Carter proceeded to drag Jack to the digsite.

Inside the mine, the far wall looked ready to collapse. Carter pointed to it, and said, "We need to bust down that wall. There may be lots of candy on the other side, so be ready. GRAY, COME HERE!"

A young man with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a baseball cap came scrambling out from behind a boulder. He lived in Mineral Town, and was a blacksmith's apprentice. Gray was another good friend of Jack's.

"Yeah?" said Gray, wiping his eyes. It was then that Jack noticed his friend's eyes were bloodshot, like he had been crying...

"Jack came to help. Now, your lunch break is over, son. We need to start busting down this wall so we can find the candy!"

"CAAAAAAAARTER! CARTER, GIT YO' FAT ASS OVER HERE!" screeched a voice. Into the mine waddled a very pregnant and very harassed-looking Flora, her curly blonde hair astray, and her glasses falling off her face. She held a baby on each hip, and there was a toddler and both of her ankles. Five more babies and toddlers clung to her legs and pants.

"DAMMIT, FLORA, WHAT DO YOU WANT!" Carter yelled.

"MY WATER BROKE AND LITTLE JIMMY JUST THREW HIMSELF INTO THE RIVER. GO FIND HIM AND MAKE SURE HE'S STILL ALIVE."

"WHICH ONE IS JIMMY?"

"THE BLONDE ONE, YOU IDIOT!"

"WHICH BLONDE ONE?"

Flora stopped yelling to think. Finally, she said, "Umm...I think Jimmy's the blonde one with the green eyes and one testicle. I'll have to check the list again to make sure. ANYWAY, GO FIND HIM! GAWD, IF HE SMASHES INTO THE ROCKS AND BREAKS INTO LITTLE TINY PIECES, I'M GONNA BE PISSED AT YOU!"

Grumbling angrily, Carter followed Flora out of the mine.

"Well," said Jack, "I guess it's just you and me working on this."

The two young men got to work. They worked and worked, but then the silence was disrupted by the sound of Gray sobbing.

"Gray? Gray, are you ok?" Jack asked.

Gray sniffled, wiped his eyes, and shook his head. Jack walked over to the apprentice and kneeled beside him.

"Jack...I...I need to confess something..." Gray whimpered. "I need someone to talk to, but...I don't know if you'll understand..."

Jack blinked. "Well, of course I'll understand. I mean, hey, my life's probably more screwed up than yours could ever be. So what's your problem?"

Gray hesitated. Finally, in a very slow, calculating, unsure voice, he said, "I...I've been having these...these w-weird thoughts and fantasies lately...daydreams..."

"What are they about?"

Gray burst into tears, and Jack put a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, man, calm down! Now, what are these daydreams about?"

Gray swallowed hard and said, "...M...m-m...m-men..."

Jack fell silent. Surely this wasn't what it seemed...

"Umm...what about men?" he asked. "Like, playing football with men, watching the Superbowl with men, going to --"

"HAVING MANSEX WITH MEN, OK?"

"O-oh..."

"Jack, I think I might be gay! I mean...I...I'm still a virgin!" Gray cried.

Jack turned Gray to face him and said firmly, "NO, Gray. Neither of us is a fag! We are NOT gay, or bi! We are STRAIGHT."

"Y-you mean that you've had fantasies too?"

"Umm, ye -- no. NO. Now, repeat after me: I AM NOT A FAG."

"I...I'm not...I am not..." Gray stuttered.

Jack shook him a little and repeated, "SAY 'I AM NOT A FAG'!"

"...I am not a fag..." Gray mumbled.

"LOUDER."

"I am not a fag."

"LOUDER!"

"I AM NOT A FAG!"

"There you go! See, Gray? You said so yourself: you are not a fag. And neither am I. Seriously. Now, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna find you a nice, hot broad to sleep with. Won't that be fun?" said Jack.

"But I don't want tha --"

"Yes you do."

Gray crossed his arms, shook his head, and said, "W-whatever! None of the girls want to sleep with me... I'll never get to bed one..."

Jack rolled his eyes and began to work on the wall again.

"I'll find you one."

Suddenly, the wall gave way! It revealed a brand new mine chamber! Jack and Gray stared at in awe.

"It needs a name," said Jack. "I think we should call it 'No Fags Allowed'."

Gray looked down, hurt. He stood up and started to leave the mine, but Jack grabbed him and pulled him back.

"Dammit, Gray! What did I tell you! YOU'RE NOT GAY!"

"I can't sleep with any of the girls! They think I'm a whiney little shit! That's what Popuri said!" Gray protested.

"I told you I'd find you a girl!" Jack insisted, releasing Gray and walking into the new chamber. Slowly, Gray followed.

"That's impossible, Jack. It's not like a new girl's just gonna appear in this mine!"

Suddenly, Jack stepped on a loose patch of ground, and fell down a hole! He screamed, and Gray's screams echoed from above. Jack fell, and fell, and fell, and fell for an extremely long time until he landed on something soft that screamed. Surprised by the sudden voice, Jack rolled off of whoever he had landed on.

It was a pale young woman with long, long, long dark hair, and dark eyes, garbed in some Japanese princess outfit. She was sitting bolt upright in a bed, staring at Jack in shock. Jack thought she looked familiar...

"W-who are you?" the girl demanded.

"...Um...my name is Jack. And who are you? I feel like I know you."

A look of remembrance came over the woman's face. She cleared her throat and said, "Yes, we have briefly met. I gave you the Legendary Sword. I am Princess Keria, and this is my home, thank you very much."

"Oh...that's right."

Silence.

Said Jack, "Wait, so you live underground? All alone?"

Keria looked down sadly and said, "Yes. Nobody loves me. I'm just a sickly, lonely princess."

"Why don't you try to smile?"

Keria glared at Jack. "I have a disease that partially affects my facial tissue, so I can't smile."

"Wow. You really are a physical retard," Jack mused.

"I hate my life," said Keria.

"Join the club." Jack sat down next to Keria on the bed, wondering how the hell he was gonna get back up to the surface.

"Say, Keria? How far down in this mine are we?"

"Oh, we're on the 255th floor."

"Oh."

Keria suddenly coughed up blood on the floor. Jack winced.

"Ew, that's gross. Why did you just cough up blood!" he asked.

"I told you I was sickly," Keria said simply.

"Oh."

More silence. Then, Jack asked, "So, what brings you here?"

"I was sealed in this mine many years ago."

"I guess that's cool..."

"I hate my life," said Keria.

Jack sighed miserably and nodded, saying, "Yeah, I hate your life too..."

And then he thought about how whiney Keria was, and said, "You know, Keria, you're a whiney little shit."

But then he realized something: Gray was a whiney little shit too! And Keria was a hot girl! And Gray was a virgin!

Turning quickly to Keria, Jack said, "Say, have you ever had sex?"

Keria's eyes widened, and she wrapped her arms around her body.

"Don't you DARE touch me!" she yelled.

"No, I'm not gonna do anything! Just answer my question!"

"...No... I'm a virgin."

"Yesss! Say, would you like to meet someone!"

"H-huh?"

"I have a friend who's emo and whiney and a virgin like you are, and he needs to prove to himself that he's straight! Do you mind having sex with him for me?" Jack asked excitedly.

"Damn you, I said I was sickly, you perverted fuck! My vaginal walls might collapse if I do that!" Keria snapped.

"Great, so will you do it?"

Keria sighed sadly. "Well, I guess I wouldn't mind dying."

"Thanks, you're awesome! The guy's name is Gray. He's really struggling with his sexuality right now, so it's great you're helping him. Now, how do we get out of this hell hole?"

Keria pointed to some old, stone stairs. Jack jumped up and ran to them, and turned to see if Keria was following. She wasn't.

"Hey, why aren't you shakin' a leg!"

"I'm tired and weak. I can't go up those stairs."

"Gawd dammit... For the love of Harvest Sprites," Jack groaned, rolling his eyes and picking up Keria. He proceeded to carry her up all 255 flights of stairs.

When he was back at the surface, Keria in his arms, Jack saw Gray sitting down and facing the wall sadly.

"Hey! Gray, I'm back!"

Gray's head snapped up and he turned to face Jack, his expression one of shock.

"Jack! You're alive!"

"Yes, and I brought a hot girl for you to fuck! Her name is Princess Keria, and she lives on the 255th floor of this mine. She's emo and whiney, just like you, so I think you two will be perfect for eachother. Have fun. Thank me later," said Jack, dumping Keria in Gray's arms.

"Well, I'll be leaving now. See ya." With a wave, the farmer left the mines.

* * *

It seemed that climbing the mine stairs had taken most of the day, for it was dark when Jack returned home. There was a note on his door. Jack pulled it off and read:

_Honey,_

_Sorry this day didn't, like...work out as planned. I had some business back at the pond and had to leave early anyway. I saved you some rabbit if you're hungry._

_Your Loving Wife,_

_The Harvest Goddess_

Jack sighed and shoved the note into his pocket, stepping inside the house.

"Jeez, there you are. You were gone all day."

"Ahh, fuck, there's someone in my house!" Jack shrieked, looking around wildly to see who had spoken. And then he saw him: Steiner. The T.P.C.R.M. was lounging idly on the couch, his shirt off, and was looking sooo sexy. Jack's heart pounded.

_He's so hot!_

"M-May I help you...?" Jack squeaked.

Steiner began to unbutton his pants, a smirk coming across his face.

"Yeah...yeah, I think you can help me..."


	3. The Purple Fiesta

_**Ok, sorry it's kind of late, but here it is: chapter 3! And hahaha XD -- there wasn't as much SteinerxJack as you hoped, eh? That was just a taste. I mean, Steiner DOES give Jack his number, meaning there will be more, right? Yep. I got a lot of compliments from people and friends of mine who liked the pairing, so thanks. :D**_

**_Read and review or get smacked with Pimp Cane of Cody the Pimp._**

* * *

_**Chapter 3 -- The Purple Fiesta**_

Jack gaped at Steiner as he struggled to pull off his pants. It seemed the pants were quite tight, for Steiner tugged and tugged, fell over on the floor, tugged some more, rolled around, sobbed, then finally got the pants off.

"S-Steiner...um...what are you doing here?" Jack squeaked when he saw Steiner wasn't wearing any underwear.

Steiner grinned seductively up at him from the floor.

"You see," he said, "I just got back from a club, and damn, I am so stoned. I remembered how cute you were last time we met, so...I thought I'd drop by for a little 'ball game'."

Jack nearly shit his pants.

_NOT GAY, NOT GAY, NOT GAY, DAMMIT! _his mind screamed.

"Y-You gotta get out, dude. If my wife shows up and sees you here with no pants on, she'll --"

Steiner pulled Jack down on top of him, his mouth covering Jack's so he couldn't speak. Steiner's body felt warm and sweaty to Jack, and he felt a tingle and a shiver run up and down his spine.

Steiner pushed Jack off of him so he could get on top of the farmer instead. Jack couldn't help it -- they made out wildly. As it progressed, Jack got hornier and hornier, and ripped off his clothes, and pulled off Steiner's shirt.

The two of them moaned and rolled around on the floor, clawing at eachother like wild animals. Steiner pinned Jack's wrists back and kissed him all over, while Jack screamed and moaned, bucking, forgetting that he wasn't gay. At all. Seriously.

Steiner flipped Jack over onto his stomach and then it happened -- they did IT. Holding onto Jack's hips, Steiner licked Jack up and down while thrusting him. Jack thought he would die of pleasure...and then he thought he would die of embarassment as Takakura walked in, cutting the best moment of his life short.

"So you HAVE had an erection."

Jack and Steiner looked up at saw Takakura staring down at them. Jack screamed, and Steiner quickly backed off.

"This is freaky shit, man! I'm out!" Steiner shrieked, pulling all his clothes back on.

"No, no, baby. Don't go...!" moaned the still-horny Jack.

"Sorry, baby. But don't mess with a player. But you can call me, and we can reschedule." Steiner wrote his number down, gave it to Jack, and then left.

"What were you doing, young man?" Takakura demanded.

"Having great sex with a hot guy! And you ruined it!" cried Jack.

"Oh. Your father will be proud when I tell him while praying to his voodoo shrine tonight."

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

Takakura left.

Jack sighed, pulled on his pajamas, and crawled into his empty bed. And then came the realization of what he had done.

_Oh...my...gawd... I just slept with a guy...!_

Our favorite farmer sat bolt upright in bed, knowing there was no way he could sleep now.

"Dammit, now I'm no better than stupid Gray! Crap, crap, crap!"

Jack kicked off the covers and started pacing around anxiously, not knowing what to do. There HAD to be some way to prove he wasn't gay, there just HAD to be!

And then the idea hit him: hire a prostitute! And where better to find a prostitute than by calling the awesomest pimp in town, Cody the Pimp? Jack picked up the phone and dialed hastily.

"Yo, this is Cody the Pimp. May I help yo badass self, foo'?"

"Cody, thank gawd you picked up! I need a whore right away."

"What kinda ho you in the market fo?"

"One that will prove me to be straight," Jack said.

There was a long pause. Then Cody said, "What? You questionin' whether or not you's a fag?"

"Ok, fine, YES! But you better not tell anyone, got it?"

"Whateva, foo'. This is a pretty tough case, dawg, a real tough one. Tell ya what -- I get you's mah best ho fo the price o' 6,000 gold."

"DEAL."

"Great. I'll send her ova tomorrow."

So the next day, Jack waited in his house. And he waited...and he waited... And then midnight came. The long-awaited knock was heard at the door, and Jack jumped up, pissed that the damn whore was so fucking late.

In the doorway stood Lumina, the rich girl who lived with her wacky grandmother in the villa. Only she was wearing a purple wig, and a leather purple tube top and matching mini skirt with high heels.

"Lumina? What the fuck are you doing in that purple wig?" Jack asked.

Lumina glared at him and said, "What are you talking about! I am NOT Lumina!"

"Yes you are. You're Lumina in a purple wig."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not!"

"YES YOU ARE!"

Lumina just sighed, shook her head, and started reapplying her lipstick.

"So are we gonna do this or what?" she said.

"Oh, yeah...that's right," said Jack, trying to get Steiner out of his mind. Still in the doorway, he started taking off his clothes.

"Oh, yes -- I forgot to introduce myself!"

"I already know you, Lumina..."

"I am NOT Lumina! I am The Purple Fiesta!" Lumina screeched.

"...Yes, that's a very nice whore name, Lumina," Jack replied, continuing to undress.

"TaDAAAAAAAAAA!"

Jack and "The Purple Fiesta" screamed and turned to see the Harvest Goddess appear out of thin air. Panic flared in Jack's mind.

"H-honey! W...what are you doing here?"

The Harvest Goddess giggled and pulled Jack into a hug. "I came back to spend the night!" She didn't even seem to notice the fact that he was naked.

Lumina gave Jack an outraged look. The Harvest Goddess noticed the hooker...

"Oh? Who is this?" she asked, completely unaware of The Purple Fiesta's purpose.

Jack had to think of an excuse, and FAST.

"U-um...this...she's... THIS IS MY SISTER, THE PURPLE FIESTA!"

"Um, yeah. Yeah, I am," Lumina agreed quickly.

The Harvest Goddess looked confused. "I have a sister-in-law?"

"Yes, honey, you have a sister-in-law. You see, she's visiting here from a far off land..."

The Harvest Goddess smiled and pulled out a tambourine. Harvest Sprites ran out from underneath Jack's bed and came to stand in a circle around her.

"Then I must sing the sister-in-law song!"

Jack and The Purple Fiesta watched in horror as the Harvest Sprites began to dance, and the Goddess broke into song:

"SISTER-IN-LAW, SISTER-IN-LAW!

NICER THAN COLE SLAW!

SISTER-IN-LAW, SISTER-IN-LAW!

NOT TO BE CUT UP WITH A CHAIN SAW!

SISTER-IN-LAW, SISTER-IN-LAW!

SHE'S SO PRETTY THAT CROWS GO 'CAW'!

SISTER-IN-LAW, SISTER-IN-LAW!

DO, RE, MI, SO, FA!

MY SISTER-IN-LAW IS VISITING FROM A FAR-OFF LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!"

And then it was over, and the Harvest Sprites ran back underneath the bed, and the tambourine disappeared. The Purple Fiesta applauded awkwardly.

"Well, I think I will go make us all some rabbit stew. Make yourself comfortable!" And with that, the Harvest Goddess disappeared to go to the kitchen.

The Purple Fiesta grabbed Jack by the shoulders and started shaking him and slapping him. "Asshole! Your WIFE isn't exactly supposed to be here when we fuck!"

"I didn't know she was coming!" Jack cried, shielding himself.

Cody the Pimp suddenly burst through the door, dressed in a purple tux and goofy hat. He wore a monocle, and brought along his famous Pimp Cane of Cody the Pimp.

Cody shook the Pimp Cane of Cody the Pimp at Lumina angrily and said, "Bitch! You didn't have yo celphone on when I tried to call you about yo next appointment! Now don't tell me you just got here!"

"I did! I'm sorry! I couldn't get out of the villa at the right time!" The Purple Fiesta replied.

"Bitch! You gotta get outta here NOW, cuz you an' the rest o' mah ho's are havin' a ho-off against Steiner's ho's! Now start shakin' a leg or you's gonna get hit wit' Pimp Cane of Cody the Pimp!"

The Purple Fiesta glared at Jack over her shoulder and said, "Keep your damn money!" And she and Cody left for the whore-off.

Jack sighed and sat down miserably on the bed.

_Maybe I really am a bisexual freak... _he thought sadly.

The Harvest Goddess reappeared. She stopped and looked around.

"Where did The Purple Fiesta go?" she asked.

"She had to return to her far-off land," Jack grumbled.

And to Jack's surprise, the Harvest Goddess smirked and said, "Good. I thought we needed a little...'alone time', anyway..."

But another knock on the door said 'screw that idea'.


	4. Pumpkins and Keyblades

_**Yeah...sorry this was so late. I can't guarantee the next time I will update something, 'cause school starts in like...3 days. But I'll try my best to get the next chapters of both of my current stories up.**_

**_By the way, if you like Deviantart, mind checking out my stuff? My username on there is Virgini-Merisusa._**

**_Hope you like the chapter. :)_**

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_**Chapter 4 -- Pumpkins and Keyblades**_

The Goddess opened the door. It was Ruby from the Inner Inn.

"Hello," said Ruby.

Jack could tell his immortal wife was annoyed by the interruption.

"Yo," she grunted.

Ruby sensed the hostility and began to look afraid.

"Umm..." she hesitantly stated, "I was...uh...wondering if...if you and your husband would like to attend a town party we're holding at my inn this Friday..."

The Harvest Goddess slammed the door in her face.

"Honey!" Jack cried. "What's the deal? I wanna go to the party!"

"It's on Friday. You can go!" snapped his wife.

Awkward silence.

"Well..." said Jack. "Are we, uh...gonna do it now?"

"No. Now I'm too tired. I'm going back to my pond!" And with that, the Goddess disappeared.

"Damn wife's PMS..." Jack grumbled, deciding he had no choice but to head to bed himself.

Another night of sleep deprivation. Jack sighed, tossing and turning...

_Great, _he thought, _Now I don't even have a hooker to prove me fully straight. And my wife won't fuck me either! Have I lost my mojo? Am I really doomed for a life of soufle and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!_

He slapped himself.

"Snap out of it, Jack! You are NOT gay! Homosexuality is for losers like Gray!"

With a heavy sigh, the farmer looked out his window.

"Damn you, Steiner..."

Jack was simply too depressed to do his work the next day. He decided to take leave to go fishing on the beach. The weather was gray and dismal.

_Like me. Fuck, that sounds so emo. Damn emos, _Jack thought.

The beach appeared empty, and for that, Jack was greatful. He cast his line, and the fishing fun began. Only it wasn't much fun. All he caught was a portal to another world, the Loch Ness Monster, a Giant Squid, a three-headed fish, and a piece of seaweed. But then...

"Oh, great. What'll it be now..." Jack grumbled as he felt a tug on the line and started to reel in the catch. As it turns out, it was a note in a bottle... Curiously, Jack pulled off the cork and took out the letter. It read:

_Leia,_

_Git yo fuckin' ass back home, bitch. We need to eat dinner, and none of the rest of us can cook! And we haven't eaten dinner in months! Why the hell did ya leave in the first place? Yo daddy's gonna kick yo butch ass, ho!_

_Love,_

_Mother_

"Leia..."

Jack knew who Leia was. She was a mermaid who, a couple months ago, the local scientist Daryll had found injured on the beach. He took her home and made her live in a fish tank in his basement, and she cooked food for him. Jack decided it best to tell Leia and Daryll about the letter. After all, there was nothing better to do.

Jack banged on the door of Daryll's house. Slowly, it cracked open, revealing a twitching, bloodshot eye in the darkness.

"Who is it?" hissed Daryll from inside.

"Daryll," Jack said slowly, so as not to shock the man's brain, "It's...Jack... Do...you...remember...me?"

"Have you brought any **_pumpkins_**?"

"...No."

"Good. Come in, sonny."

Daryll opened the door wider, and Jack stepped inside.

"What is it you wanted?" asked Daryll. A fearful looked crossed his face when he added, "Please...tell me it has nothing to do with **_pumpkins_**..."

"Calm down, Daryll. It has nothing to do with...erm...those things. See, I was fishing, and --"

"You're not...y-you're not growing **_pumpkins_** on your farm, are you...?"

"No, ok? Like I was saying --"

"Because **_pumpkins _**are bad!" Daryll shrieked.

Jack resisted the urge to slap him. After all, the clinically insane must be pardoned...in most cases.

Through gritted teeth, Jack replied, "Yes, they ARE bad, ok! I get it! Now shut up about them!" He thrust the note at Daryll.

"I was fishing and I caught this! It's addressed to Leia."

Daryll read over the note. Jack noticed it was upside down.

"Umm, Daryll? I...I think you're reading it wrong..."

"AHA!"

Jack jumped at the loud exclamation. Daryll, entering another frenzy, turned to Jack with a crazed look in his eyes and said, "We must alert Leia immediately! To the fish tank!"

The scientist grabbed Jack's hand and skipped down the stairs. Jack lugged behind, with the whole 'holding hands' biz reminding him of his romp with Steiner like an open, painful, bloody, icky, pus-leaking wound.

Leia looked up when Jack and Daryll entered. She looked uncomfortable in that small fish tank, as usual.

"Daryll!" she breathed. "I'm glad you came! I was hoping to talk to you about getting me a bigger tank. My back is really starting to hurt me 'cause of this..."

"Leia, my darling!" Daryll released Jack and flew to his mermaid, pinching her cheeks affectionately. Jack looked at Leia sympathetically.

"This letter has come from the ant colony! They want to eliminate all **_pumpkins_** from the world!" Daryll handed the letter to her, and she read it.

"HALLEJUAH! An excuse to leave this basement!" Leia cried. "Daryll, please! My family needs me! Can I go home?"

Daryll pondered for a moment. Thoughtfully, he answered, "Yes...yes, I suppose you should warn your family about the threat of the **_pumpkin_** community." He turned to Jack and said, "Jack, escort Leia back to the ocean! A great war will soon be upon us!"

Jack quickly pulled Leia out of the fish tank. She looked at him greatfully, and the two were off, without so much as a good-bye to Daryll.

"Thank you so much, Jack!" Leia breathed when they were out on the streets, Leia in Jack's arms.

Jack looked down at her and smiled slightly. "It's not too much trouble, I guess."

Leia giggled girlishly.

_Damn...she's really cute. _

It didn't take long for them to reach the beach.

"Jack, stop for a second," Leia said suddenly.

"Hm?"

Looking into his eyes, the mermaid softly told him, "Words can't express my gratitude."

"...Does that mean you're paying me?"

"Oh, yes, Jack. Yes, I am paying you."

"How much?"

"Take off those stifling hot clothes of yours and I'll show you..."

Jack's eyes widened. "You're repaying me in SEX!"

Leia nodded. "Yes, oral sex."

Jack swallowed nervously.

_This is your chance to prove your straightness, Jack! But do mermaids really count...? ...Probably. _

_But what about the Harvest Goddess? What if she catches you? What if...what if she's watching you right now?_

Leia crossed her arms and said, "Jack, are you there? Come back to Earth now, hon. Now, are we gonna do this or am I just gonna have to rape you?"

"Oh. Right." Jack started to strip.

_Proving my straightness is most important now, probably..._

And then the oral sex began! It was so wonderful, Jack couldn't stop screaming. It was like Leia had six tongues or something!

"OH...LEIA...OHMYGOD..OHMYGOD...OHMYGOD! AHH!"

But then it came to a sudden, tragic end...

"JACK! I WILL SAVE YOU!" cried a voice. Jack watched in horror as Kai fled to the scene, Keyblade in hand. And right then and there, Jack's best friend began to chop a screaming Leia into little tiny bits.

"TAKE THAT, YOU PENIS-EATING FISH!" Kai yelled, panting and wiping the blood off his face.

The still-naked Jack stared at Kai in horror.

"Kai! How could you?"

Kai looked confused. "What do you mean? I saved your life just now! Jack, that giant fish was eating your penis!"

Jack's fists clenched and he shouted, "THAT WAS NO GIANT FISH! THAT WAS LEIA!"

Kai froze. "It...it was?"

"YEAH, AND SHE WAS GIVING ME THE BEST ORAL SEX EVER, KAI!"

Kai's brown eyes suddenly flashed with anger. "She was, was she?"

"Yeah! And then you had to come in and chop her up!"

Yes, Kai suddenly seemed very upset and angry. "Well, I guess that's what she gets for giving oral sex to you in a public place." The Keyblade disappeared from his hand and he started walking back to his Snack Shack.

Jack frowned. "K-Kai! Wait up!" He pursued his friend, asking, "What's the problem? You've seen me get sexed up before, and you didn't have a problem with it!"

"Those were threesomes!" Kai retorted.

"But...but Kai...you always told me sex was the greatest thing ever! And it is! Why are you getting mad?"

Kai didn't say anything, just turned away.

"Kai...?"

"Let's just forget about it..." Kai grumbled, blushing slightly.

"O-ok...but, uh...can I ask you something else?" Jack asked.

"What?"

"When did you become the Keyblade master?"

"Since Tuesday."

"Sweet."


	5. The Awesome Ass Party

_**At long last, the next chapter! My sincere apologies for the delay.**_

**_Heh. An interesting plot twist coming up in the next chapter...or if not the next chapter, the chapter after that._**

**_I'm quite proud of the JackxSteiner part in this. XD_**

**_Please review._**

* * *

****

_**Chapter 5 -- The Awesome Ass Party**_

Friday came soon, to Jack's pleasure. It was the day of the party. Finally, something to break the zany monotony and a chance to socialize. And a chance to get totally hammered.

Jack was readying himself for the party. He sighed and looked around the empty room, seeing if there was anything else that needed to be done. Nothing.

_Maybe I need some more furniture to take up some space or something. It's so...empty. Maybe it's because I haven't seen my damn wife since she went off in a PMSing rampage a couple days ago._

Without another thought, Jack left.

The streets were empty, but this was a good thing: that meant that most likely, everyone was at the party shakin' their thangs. But the walk was lonely, and the sky was dark. That made Jack paranoid. He didn't ever tell anyone for fear of damaging his masculine reputation, but he hated the dark due to a childhood trauma...

When he was just a tiny lad, his father had taken him to a petting zoo and accidentally left him there over night. Jack just sat alone in the dark, waiting for the security guards to find him... From some distant shadows came the sound of a sheep baaing. Little Jack, being in tears and desperate for comfort, followed the sound of the sheep, when suddenly, it jumped out at him! The young boy could only scream in horror as the sheep tackled him to the ground and ripped off all his clothes, stomped on him, laughed, and walked off. The cops found the naked Jack the next morning, and his father was arrested.

Ever since then, Jack could not bear sheep. That was precisely why there were none on his farm. As Jack continued on his way to the inn, he thought he heard "baa" somewhere in the distance... With a girlish squeal he broke off at a run, and finally burst through the doors of the inn.

"JACK! Hey!" cheerfully greeted a voice. Before Jack could see who it was, a large clap on the back sent him sprawling to the ground.

"Sorry..." murmured the person, helping Jack to his feet. The farmer found himself face to face with Kai.

"Kai! What's up?"

Jack was glad to see that Kai had fully gotten over the incident with Leia. He had been pouting for days, and this was the first time Jack had seen him in high spirits.

"Dude, this party kicks ass! They have DDR, and lap dancers, and lots of alcohol, and little shrimps on toothpicks..." Kai said.

"Awesome!"

The inn was packed. There were disco lights everywhere, and all the hip music was blasting.

_The Harvest Goddess is really missing out. Ah well, she would've screwed the fun for me anyway!_

Jack spotted Gray and Keria in the corner, laughing and talking. He decided to check and see if his plan had worked...

"Hey, uh, Kai? I'll be back in a sec... I gotta check up on something."

"Sure thing, man."

Gray left, and Keria sat alone when Jack walked up to her.

"Keria! Did you and Gray do it? Did you prove him to be a straight man?" Jack asked quickly.

"No, we did not do it! Jack, Gray and I have become best friends! We stay awake all night and talk about our feelings, and then we go and buy tight pants and stuff. Gray's so sensitive and sweet! And he IS gay. Don't discriminate," replied Keria.

Jack stared at her, stunned. The fucking bitch!

"KERIA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! YOU ONLY SUCCEEDED IN MAKING HIM _MORE _GAY! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FUCK HIM!" Jack could have slapped her, but his momma had told him never to hit girls.

Keria began to lose patience. Haughtily, she retorted, "You idiot, people are BORN gay! You can't just go and ungay Gray. It doesen't work like that!"

"How would YOU know!"

People were beginning to stare.

"Everyone knows it!"

Jack stared Keria down. A cruel smile lit his face as he remembered something.

"You know what I just remembered, Keria? In the English version of Sprite Station, you're a MUTE! Which means you can't TALK!"

Keria suddenly lost her voice. She tried to scream, but nothing came out. So instead, she flicked Jack off, who just laughed and walked away.

* * *

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jack, Kai, and their other friend Rock were cheering and shouting loudly as they egged the outside of the inn in their partially-drunk state.

"YEE HAW! WE'RE EGGING MY HOUSE!" Rock, the drunkest of them all, screamed, pumping his fist in the air.

"OMG I KNOW!" Kai replied.

"Guys! There's only one more egg left!" Jack cried in alarm, staring down at the single egg in his carton. Kai's and Rock's were gone.

"Aww, shit," Rock whined, stifling a hiccup.

"Hey!" said a voice.

Rock, Kai, and Jack turned to see a man with a long nose, purple-tinted glasses, and a goofy green hat walking towards them. It was Gustafa, the village hippie. Kai groaned and rolled his eyes. Jack wrinkled his nose...Gustafa sucked ass, and everyone knew it.

"Why are there eggs all over the inn?" Gustafa asked with a frown.

"Uhh...because we egged it?" Rock awkwardly answered, scratching the back of his blonde head.

A look of utter horror crossed Gustafa's ugly face.

"You wasted these precious eggs? These poor, unborn, aborted chicks? Never gave them a chance to live? You just went and cracked them against the cold, cruel walls of this building?"

"They were in a carton! They were never alive, dumbass!" Kai snapped.

"BUT --"

Before Gustafa could utter another word, Jack threw his last egg at the hippie's face, and it landed in his mouth. Gustafa choked on it and died. Kai, Jack, and Rock burst out laughing.

When it wasn't funny anymore, Jack said, "Well, now that all the eggs are gone, what do you guys wanna do?"

Everyone thought.

"Hmm...get even more drunk and get a lap dance?" Rock suggested.

"Sounds like a plan," Jack agreed.

The three men left Gustafa's body and returned to the inside of the inn.

"Hey there, big boy..."

Someone grabbed Jack's arm, and he turned and saw a girl he had never seen before. He grinned. She looked like a lap dancer. But...there was something familiar about her...

"Do you want a lap dance?" she asked. Jack couldn't help but notice that her voice was a little deep for a girl. But he didn't really care, as long as she was a girl.

Jack looked around, and saw that he had lost Kai and Rock in the crowd. He shrugged, and turning back to the lap dancer, said, "You know I want one!"

The chick thrust Jack into a chair and set to work. Looking at her again, Jack had the creeping suspicion that they had met before...but...where?

Jack began to forget his suspicions as the dancer pleasured him, and people began to watch.

_This is so fucking awesome! I'm straight for sure! I gotta be if I feel like this!_

Jack felt something fall onto his lap.

"Huh?"

Looking down, he saw...a fake rubber breast. The farmer blinked in confusion, and then realized with horror that the fake breast belonged to the lap dancer. The "girl" froze, and she and Jack stared at eachother. The audience stared. Everyone stared.

"Wait a minute! I knew something wasn't right here...!" exclaimed Lumina. She thrust her hand out and yanked off the dancer's blonde wig.

Jack nearly shit his pants. The dancer wasn't a blonde. Nor was this dancer a girl. It was Cliff, a young male wanderer. And he had been in drag!

"I CAN EXPLAIN!" Cliff screamed.

Jack let out a wail, shoved Cliff off of him, and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He could feel the eyes of everyone on him as he ran.

"JACK! WAIT!" It was Kai from somewhere in the crowd. But Jack ignored him and kept running.

After what seemed like forever, he finally reached the bathroom and started throwing up.

"No, no, no! This can't be happening! I did NOT just get a lap dance from a guy in drag!"

"Jack...?" came a soft voice.

Jack turned slightly to meet Kai's concerned brown eyes.

"Kai, what's happening to me? You saw all that, right...?" Jack groaned.

"Yeah. Yeah, I did."

Kai helped Jack up. He swayed, but Kai steadied him. Jack decided he was more drunk than he thought.

"Why did that have to happen to ME?" Jack cried, nearly in tears and leaning so heavily on his friend that Kai was pressed against the wall of the stall.

"It could've been anyone. That was just a sick coincidence," Kai assured him confidently.

"It's not fair!"

Kai sighed. "Maybe you should go home and get some rest, Jack... Come on, I'll take you there."

"NO!" Jack pulled away. "I'm gonna go home, pick up some condoms, and then come back here and have sex with some random girl! THAT'LL show everyone who thinks I'm gay!"

"Jack --"

"Don't try to talk me out of it, Kai!"

Jack stormed out of the bathroom and out of the inn, setting off into the night to go home and get the condoms. He was so pissed that he didn't care if there were sheep lurking outside or not.

When he reached home, Jack burst into the house like an angry whirlwind and immediately began rummaging through his drawers for the condoms.

"Condoms, condoms...c'mon...!"

Suddenly, an arm draped itself around Jack shoulders. Jack yelped.

"Why would you need condoms, young man?"

It was Steiner. Jack felt his heart thump and be clenched in terror.

"S-Steiner!" He jerked away from the theif.

Steiner laughed and arrogantly flicked his silver hair out of his face.

"Oh, did I scare you?"

"Y-yes..."

"So, why do you need condoms?"

Jack glared and defensively replied, "That's none of your business! Just...just go away!"

"Come now. You weren't so nasty to me last time we met, Jack..." Steiner reached out to grab him, but Jack stepped back.

Steiner looked him up and down. "You're cute. For as morally wrong as you are, there's something sweet and innocent in that pretty little face of yours..." he cooed.

"Stop it! I'm not gay OR bi!" Jack insisted.

"Tch. SURE you aren't."

"I'm serious!"

"Sure you are."

Steiner grabbed Jack by the arms and shoved him hard against the wall. Jack winced.

"Let me off of this wall, dammit!"

"No."

Jack reached out a hand to slap Steiner, but the theif pinned it against the wall. He tried with the other, but Steiner pinned that hand too. Jack struggled, but in his drunken, shocked state, he didn't have the strength to push Steiner away.

"You still haven't told me why you were looking for condoms," Steiner teased, roughly spreading Jack's legs apart with his knee.

_I'm gonna get raped for sure... _

"I..."

"Well, then maybe WE can use them."

Jack tried to break free again. He squeaked, "If you rape me, I'll --"

"Just get raped?" Steiner laughed and grabbed Jack's crotch with his hand.

"YOW! Don't!" Jack whimpered.

"What? This?" Steiner let go and grabbed it again.

"YES, THAT! NOW DON'T DO IT!"

"You're really stupid..." Steiner pulled Jack up against him and grabbed his ass. Jack felt his body begin to tingle, and his heart pound.

_Please, please, not now... _his mind begged.

"Steiner, please!"

"Hmm. Suit yourself... Until next time then, Jack."

Softly, Steiner kissed him, then released him and leaped out the window, escaping into the night.

Jack stared at the open window a moment, then collapsed onto the bed. He buried his face into the pillow and let out a scream of frustration.


	6. Things in Life that Suck

_**Jesus, it's been so LONG! I'm sorry! But hey, it's finally out -- chapter 6. Complete with a new plot twist. And guess what? Next chapter, you get the spicy JackxSteiner love scene you'v been waiting for, fangirls!**_

**_JACK IS FINALLY GOING TO GET GAY-RAPED! XD_**

**_And his life is changing forever! Just look at the end of the chapter to find out...hehe. This is kind of like the turning point of the story. Married with Freaks isn't actually going to be too long. We're almost halfway through with it._**

**_Now to work on the next chapter of Love and Iniquity..._**

**_Anyway, enjoy the chapter. You people are awesome._**

* * *

_**Chapter 6 -- Things in Life that Suck**_

Life just sucked more and more for Jack. It had been a week since the party, and that near-rape incident with Steiner. I mean, the guy had just popped into his window. And now Jack was paranoid, for Steiner could probably, like, come in through ANY window. So he had made a habit of keeping all the windows locked. But whenever the Goddess was around, she would yell at him and open the windows again. This argument of opening windows went on and off throughout the whole week, and Jack knew that their opposite opinions on the windows was driving the riff between himself and his wife even deeper.

Luckily, there was Kai and the farm to keep Jack's mind off of gay rape. Jack worked his skinny white ass off on the farm for a huge portion of the day, and spent the rest of it with Kai. Jack hadn't yet told him about all the stuff with Steiner...he wasn't sure if he should. How would Kai feel? The Beach Shack's owner was a smart cookie. Jack feared that he would be able to guess his mixed feelings on his own sexuality. What would Kai say if he found out that Jack liked guys? That would make him like Gray -- and no one wanted to be like Gray ever since Keria had encouraged him to release his inner fag.

In the present, it was a morning like any other. Jack woke up and looked at the clock: it read 6 AM. It always did when he woke up. He rolled over for a few minutes of extra rest, only to face the sleeping form of the Harvest Goddess. Surprised, he gently nudged her awake.

"Goddess? You...you're here. In our bed. Why is this?" he asked immediately as she opened her eyes.

"What?! Can't I sleep in my own house, in my own bed, with my own husband!?" she snapped.

"Jesus, woman! Don't be offended. I was just...well...curious as to why you aren't at the pond like you always are in the mornings, that's all..."

"I don't feel well. Needed a bed to sleep in," grumbled the Goddess, rolling over to face away from Jack and pulling the covers up over her head.

Jack frowned. "You ok?"

"No, dumbass! Didn't I just say that I don't feel well?! How does that make me ok!? JESUS!"

_She's been so short with me lately. What the hell's her problem!? _Jack wondered smugly, slipping out of bed and going to the bathroom.

* * *

Jack sat on his little milking stool, milking his cow Bessy.

"I mean, come on, Bessy. What's her fucking deal? She's been all like, 'Jack, open the goddess-damned windows, it's so hot in here!' and, 'PUT DOWN THE TOILET SEAT JACK!" and also, "JACK, GET ME THAT SANDWICH!' I can't take it anymore, Bessy! She's driving me crazy! Do you think this could constitute for a divorce?"

Bessy mooed.

"Bessy...that's so vulgar. I gotta stop talking to you," Jack said with a sigh, standing up.

"Wanna know something else that's vulgar?" purred a voice, and before Jack could react, something hard and long was shoved up his butt.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

Jack spun around, only to face Steiner. Steiner had grabbed his hoe and jammed the handle up Jack's butt.

_It...it could have been worse. He could have shoved something else long and hard up my butt..._

"Hey baby," said Steiner, smirking.

"S-Steiner...!" Jack whimpered, falling back against Bessy and putting his legs together tightly.

Steiner laughed coldly and thrust the hoe away. "How's my favorite little farmer doing? Hmm?"

"Y-you better leave...! My wife is actually home today, and she'll kill you AND me if she finds you here!"

Steiner rolled his eyes. "Ok, fine. Later then."

"W-what's later?"

"I think you know."

Steiner brushed Jack's cheek with his lips before walking off.

Jack stared after him, heart pounding, cheeks red.

"I'm going to get raped, aren't I, Bessy?"

* * *

"Kai?"

Jack was sitting, back against Kai's food stand. Kai was getting off work early that day, and was working on cleaning up.

He chuckled lightly when Jack said his name. "Finally gonna talk today, Jack? You've pretty much just been sitting here the whole time. You sure look ill." He frowned slightly. "Gonna tell me what's up?"

Jack swallowed. "I don't know what you'll think."

"Well, neither do I unless you tell me. Come on, what's holding you back? We tell eachother everything, right?"

Silence.

"Jack?"

"Well...we tell eachother, er...MOST things."

Kai finished up and sat down next to Jack. Jack avoided his eyes, but out of the corner of them, he could see Kai worriedly studying his face.

"Jack, come on -- what's on your mind?"

Jack sighed heavily, deciding on the best way to approach the situation.

"Ok then...Kai...do you mind if I ask you some questions?" he asked.

"I don't mind. Fire away, man."

"Has anyone ever stalked you?"

"Not that I know of... Jack, what are you getting a --"

"Just hear me out!" Jack raised his hands defensively, and Kai shut his mouth.

"Have you ever been, uh...violated in any way?"

"When you say 'violated', how 'violated' do you mean? Like, just touched, kissed, or the full blown rape?"

"Any..."

"Eh. Been touched before," Kai grumbled, shrugging.

"By who?" Jack asked eagerly.

"None of your business!" Kai snapped.

"But you're the one who said we tell eachother everything!" Jack insisted, turning fully to face Kai.

Kai smirked and added, "You're the one who said we tell eachother MOST things. Not everything."

"Ok...fine."

"Now, can I ask YOU a question?" Kai asked.

"Sure."

"What's with the weird questions, man? Is someone _doing_ something to you?"

_Damn, he's such a smart cookie. Doesen't miss a thing... _Jack thought, taking off his hat and running a hand through his hair. He felt the color drain from his face.

That was enough of an answer for Kai. He opened his eyes wide, mouth dropping open.

"Someone IS mollesting you, aren't they!?"

"SSSHH! NOT SO LOUD! DON'T TELL ANYONE!" Jack screamed, grabbing Kai by the shoulders and shaking him.

"Jack, Jack, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!" Kai snapped, pulling Jack's hands off his shoulders. The farmer then saw the firey expression of shocked anger on Kai's face.

"Who's doing it to you!? I want to know the full story!"

"I'M GONNA GET MY ASS RAPED TONIGHT, AND I'M POWERLESS TO STOP IT! HE HAS HIS WAYS! THERE'S NO ESCAPING IT!" Jack wailed, throwing himself on the ground and crying like a little baby.

"What!? 'He'!? Jack...! It's a _guy_!?"

Jack nodded his head vigorously.

"Tell me who!"

"Noooooo...!" Jack whined.

The Keyblade manifested in Kai's hands. "TELL ME."

Taking a deep breath, Jack uttered, "Y...ya know that...that Steiner guy...?"

"HE'S going to rape you!?"

"Y-yeah... He always sneaks into my house and touches me..." Jack whimpered. "And t-today...I...I was in the barn milking cows...w-when...I feel something get...get shoved up my butt, and...it was Steiner sticking my...hoe...up my butt, a-and...he said somethin' about tonight... And last week, after that party...h-he...he came into my house and n-nearly raped me on the spot..."

"WHAT!? HOW DARE HE...!"

Kai stood up and stormed off.

"NOOOO! DON'T LEAVE ME ALOOOOONE!" Jack screamed to his back.

* * *

"There you are! Where the fuck have you been, Jack?! I've been here ALL DAY and you could have AT LEAST stopped and sat down and talked with me!" barked the Harvest Goddess the second Jack somberly stepped through the door. She was sitting on the couch watching "Desperate Housewives".

Jack sniffled, still depressed. Without a word, he sat down next to her and buried his head in her cleavegy breasts sadly.

"Snuggle me," he whimpered.

The Goddess hesitantly rubbed his back, softening a little. "Jack, what's the matter?"

"I don't wanna be alone..."

She lifted his face and felt his forhead.

"You feel warm. Are you sick, pookie?" she cooed, hostility gone.

"S-sure..." Jack lied.

"I must have given you my flu. Poor baby." The Harvest Goddess kissed him. "I think we should take a trip to the doctor-woctor, don't you think, pookie bear?"

"I don't wanna go to the doctor!"

"Yes you do! Now we are going to the doctor whether you like it or not!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"Yes, or you get cactus dildo surprise!" the Goddess growled.

"Ok, yes, let's go!" Jack squeaked.

* * *

"So, you both claim to be sick?" Dr. Hardy asked, standing before Jack and the Goddess.

"I've been throwing up and tired, and Jack...well...I don't know what his problem is," explained the Harvest Goddess.

Hardy raised a brow.

"But he's obviously sick!" the Goddess insisted.

Dr. Hardy sighed, mumbling, "I hate my fucking job." He proceeded to take temperatures and do examinations.

"Nothing's wrong with either of you. Get out."

"But I've been puking my guts out!"

Hardy looked like an idea was creeping up on him. "Puking, you say? Any fatigue?"

"Didn't I already tell you that?!"

"Hmm..." Hardy reached up onto a shelf and selected one of those cups you piss in. "Come with me, Miss Goddess. Jack, stay here."

Jack was hardly aware of anything that was going on until he heard those words. "What?! But...but I don't wanna be alone! DON'T LEAVE ME!"

But the Goddess and Dr. Hardy ignored him and went to go do stuff with piss.

* * *

The Goddess came back soon, but Hardy was off doing lab work for quite a while. Jack and his wife merely sat and waited, and finally, Hardy reappeared before them. Out of thin air.

"AH! How'd you do that?!" Jack cried. He wondered if Steiner could do that too...

"Haven't you ever heard of apparating!? Jeez, you fuck head, don't you fucking read "Harry Potter"?"

Jack stared at him stupidly.

"Maybe you _can't_ handle what I'm about to tell you if you don't know about "Harry Potter"," Hardy said.

"Oh, dear! Is there something seriously wrong with me?!" the Goddess cried.

"Yeah..." Hardy said heavily, "Yeah...there is."

The Goddess gasped and grabbed Jack's hand, squeezing it.

"W-what's the matter with her?" Jack asked.

"She's pregnant. I'm sorry."


	7. You Just Got ButtSexed!

**_I must apologize for my extreme slowness, though y'all are probably used to it by now. Anyway, here it is: the long-awaited chapter 7! Complete with gay sex! _**

**_Also, the story has officially got fanart! Snowgirl, a friend of mine from the Steiner Fanclub, drew a cute picture of the story. It had Steiner on top of Jack in the front, and then Kai's in the background with his keyblade, looking pissed, and then the Harvest Goddess is also pissed in the background, and heavily pregnant. It's awesome. XD Thank you, snowgirl! Steiner commends your awesomeness._**

**_Anyway, enjoy the chapter, folks. Love ya._**

* * *

_**Chapter 7 -- You Just Got Butt-Sexed!**_

"Oh, I soooo can't believe we're having a baby!" squealed the Harvest Goddess as she and Jack reentered the farmhouse upon their return from Dr. Hardy's.

Jack said nothing. He felt sick and in denial. There was NO WAY he was having a baby. That was impossible... But he knew in his heart that he was only fooling himself, and that he had to face the facts...

"Say something, Jack! Aren't you happy for us?"

"No, not in particular."

Not waiting to see his wife's reaction, Jack slunk over to the bed and flopped over onto it, face down.

"Oh, christ, how did this happen...?" he moaned.

"When we had sex, dipshit!" snapped the Harvest Goddess. "You should be THRILLED! A child is the greatest display of love! It's what two people create from their passion towards eachother!"

Jack looked over at her. "Don't you GET IT?! We don't HAVE any passion! I don't even REMEMBER the last time we fucked! So how the fuck can you be pregnant?!"

The Goddess was growing angry. "We had sex just last week, Jack! Don't you remember?!"

"No."

The Harvest Goddess used her magical powers to conjure a bowling ball out of thin air, which she chucked at Jack's head.

"OWWW! YOU NEARLY BROKE MY SKULL!" Jack screamed, sitting up immediately.

"Good!"

"What is WRONG with you, you crazy bitch!?"

Beginning to cry as she crumpled over on the floor, the Goddess sobbed, "You're not mature enough to be the father of my child...!"

"I don't have the TIME! What the fuck are we gonna do with the kid, anyway?! I'm busy with my farmwork, and DAMMIT, YOU'RE NEVER HOME!"

"You figure it out..."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

The Goddess glared daggers at Jack and replied, "My work is far more important than yours! The child will have to be with YOU full time, and you need to make time for it, and to do that, you have to be mature!"

"WHAT?!" Jack yelped.

"The child will be with you most of the time! But don't worry, I'll be able to stop in once a week on average..."

"That's not fair!"

"LIFE ISN'T FAIR, DICK!" Conjuring up another bowling ball, the Goddess once again attempted to hit Jack in the hid with it, but he ducked out of the way.

"I'm leaving!" she sniffed, disappearing with a pop.

"Dammit, dammit, DAMMIT!" Jack growled, punching his pillow repeatedly.

_Soon, someone's gonna have to check me into the nuthouse, because all this is driving me absolutely INSANE... _he thought angrily.

"Well, well, well! Congratulations, Jack... Guess you're gonna be a daddy...heh."

With a gasp, Jack sat up, only to see Steiner standing over by the window, a large, ominous looking bag slung over his shoulder. The poor farmer nearly fainted... The news of his impending fatherhood had driven Steiner's plot to gay-rape him out of his mind.

"S-Steiner...!" he squeaked.

Steiner laughed, strolled over to the bed, and dropped the bag on the floor. Jack made an attempt to scramble off the bed and run for the door, but Steiner pushed him back down.

"Stay. Good boy."

"Please, please, PLEASE...not tonight, Steiner, not tonight..."

"You know I'm a pimp, right? Well, I got a busy schedule, babe. And tonight is the only good night this week, just to let you know."

Steiner began rummaging through the bag.

"What's in there?!" Jack demanded worriedly.

"Ohhh, lots of stuff. Like these."

Before Jack could even blink, Steiner had him handcuffed to the bed.

"Noooooo!"

"Yes."

Steiner straddled Jack and sneered, "Come on, admit it...you're a LITTLE excited. You're blushing."

"I am not! I'm...I'm just a little hot, that's all!"

"Yes, you are..." Steiner looked Jack up and down hungrily.

Jack was beginning to freak out. Yes, he realized he was blushing. But no, he did not want to get gay raped... Really. He let out a cry and started struggling.

"Stop it," Steiner said warningly.

"Make me!"

The theif/pimp/magician/chef/rapist reached into his bag and pulled out a pair of extremely large, sharp scissors.

"See these?" he said.

Jack nodded weakly.

"I like to call them my 'Peepee Snippers'. If you make too many wrong moves, my sweet Jack..." Steiner leaned forward to Jack so their noses touched. He snipped the scissors threateningly, and with an evil grin, finished, "I just might snip your dick off."

"What!?"

Steiner laughed and put the scissors back in the bag, then leaned over to heavily kiss Jack on the lips. Then he moved over to his neck and started sucking. As he did so, he murmured, "You know, I'm excellent at this sort of thing... You should be honored."

"Honored to be raped? That's just weird. And you know what?! I hate you, you stupid, low-life, son of a -- OW!"

Steiner punched Jack in the stomach before he could continue, and once again said, "I'll snip your dick off. Remember that." He gestured to the bag, and Jack bit his lip and closed his eyes. Seeing that Jack was now ready to cooperate, Steiner resumed his work. Jack felt his skin tingle in pleasure, and finally, he shuddered.

"Oh, see, you like it. Hehe...you're so cute. Guess we can go to the next level then now, huh?"

"No...!"

Steiner punched Jack again.

"OW! Would you stop punching me...?" he whimpered weakly.

"Yes...when you learn to be a good little whore."

"I am NOT a whore..." Jack said quietly.

"In my presence, you are a whore, you whore. Because I am an awesome ass pimp."

Steiner began to rip the buttons off Jack's clothes with his teeth.

"Cut that out, you're ruining my clothes! Stop eating the buttons!"

"I'm NOT eating your buttons. I'm ripping them off and spitting them across the room. So there." Steiner spat another one out to join the pile in the corner.

When all of the many, useless buttons were gone, Steiner ripped off all of Jack's clothes so he was in nothing but his underwear. Steiner drew back to admire Jack, a pleased smirk on his face. Feeling vulnerable and pretty much naked, Jack glared up at him.

Then slowly, so as to try and entice Jack, Steiner started removing most of his own clothes. Jack felt a tingling sensation in his that-which-we-do-not-speak-of, and forced himself to shut his eyes and look away, only to have Steiner slap him so that his head was back in his direction.

"Ouch...!"

"Open your eyes. Remember the scissors," Steiner commanded.

Reluctantly, Jack opened his eyes and started at the also-almost-naked Steiner.

"Do you like what you see?" Steiner asked teasingly, settling himself to lay on his stomach on top of Jack.

"No," Jack lied.

"You're a lot more stubborn than many of the people I've raped... I actually kind of like it."

"Then why do you keep hitting me?"

"Well, I like that part too." Steiner nuzzled Jack's cheek, then kissed Jack again, open-mouth. Jack was not surprised to feel Steiner poking his own lips with his tongue. Not wanting to get punched or slapped again, and also not wanting his dick cut off, Jack opened his mouth. Steiner played with Jack's unmoving tongue for a while, for Jack was still unwilling to cooperate. But after a while, the call of sexual attraction began to take its toll on his body, and he found himself sweating.

But when he was finally starting to get into the kiss, Steiner broke off and looked Jack over again. His eyes fastened on Jack's dick, and he grinned.

"What is it...?" Jack panted, trying to glare and sound irritated. But that was too hard now...his anger seemed distanced from him.

"Well, it would seem you're getting a boner, my little whore."

"T-that's...erm...that's not..."

Steiner put a finger on Jack's lips and, with a short laugh, said, "Shut the fuck up already."

He stroked Jack lightly all over his body. Jack let out a gasp and found himself arching towards every touch. Steiner seemed more than just a little pleased.

"Your snake looks, oh, say...a little 'trapped' in those boxers of yours, Jack... I think I'd better take them off for you." Steiner grabbed Jack's crotch, lightly at first, then squeezed.

"No..." Jack moaned quietly, half-heartedly.

"You say no, but your dick says 'yes'. So I think I'll do the right thing and listen to your dick." Steiner ripped off Jack's underwear. So then Jack was completely butt-ass naked.

"Nice," he commented, staring for a while.

"Just do something already...!" Jack wheezed.

"That's quite a statement for someone who was being a real ass just a few moments ago. For that, maybe I should leave you like this for a little while."

"Please, don't...!"

"It's nice to hear you beg for mercy. It's sexy. Do it some more, and maybe I'll give you what you need."

"I'm begging, you, just...just get it over with...now...!"

"Keep talking."

"I'M BEING SERIOUS!"

"Oh?"

"Please, fuck me!"

Steiner sat on Jack's hips, rubbed his chest, and asked, "What did you say you wanted again?"

"FUCK ME!"

"Well, alright. I guess I can indulge you in that..." With a cold laugh, Steiner removed Jack's handcuffs, and roughly flipped him onto his stomach, shoving his arms behind his back hard and painfully so that Jack winced. Steiner leaned over, nipped Jack once on the ear, and removed his own underpants. And then suddenly, he forced himself into Jack, hard and rough. Jack let out a cry of pain and pleasure.

Steiner had been thrusting repeatedly into Jack for barely 3 minutes when Jack moaned and released all over the bed. Steiner paused.

"Dude, you fucking cummed already!?"

"Ah...so?"

Steiner laughed. "Damn, you're easy to please. What kind of loser comes that quickly in intercourse? One that rarely gets pleasure, that's who. Now, just how often do you and that high and mighty wife of yours fuck?"

"Rarely... She said we did it last week some time, but I don't even remember..." Jack moaned.

"I guess I pity you then." Steiner dug his nails into Jack's arms has he got back to work on pleasuring himself.

Jack lay there, miserable and in pain now that his orgasm was over and the feeling of pleasure was beginning to subside.

"That hurts," he whined.

"So does getting castrated. Now, personally, I liked it better when you were all like, 'OMG, please fuck me, Steiner, please!' So now you can just keep quiet and pretend like you're having a good time still."

"But seriously, you're hurting me, like, a lot! Could you at least stop clawing me? It's hard to pretend you're having fun when you're someone's scratching post, you know."

Steiner growled, grabbed Jack by the hair, and stuffed his face into the mattress to keep him quiet.

At last, Steiner came. He lay sprawled on top of Jack, panting.

"Damn...that was good..."

"Was not."

"Whatever, whore..."

"You make me feel sad when you degrade me like that..."

"I'm a rapist. Rapists don't give a shit about feelings."

Jack sighed defeatedly. There was a long period of silence where Jack wallowed in his misery, and Steiner continued to enjoy the after-effects of orgasm.

"Will you get off of me now? You're kind of crushing my lungs by having me pinned to this mattress. To be honest with you, I can't really breathe."

Steiner slid off of Jack and laid next to him. Jack turned away, but Steiner grabbed him by the arm and turned him back again.

"Look, what do you want?! You raped me and had your fun, and now I'm completely spent. What the fucking hell do you want from me?!"

Steiner pinched Jack's cheek and shook it. "Aw, you're just so cute. You're like a little baby or something. The only thing I want is you. Bitch, you drive me wild."

"I'm not into this gross, gay, homo-rape, domination thing you like to do, ok?! That's Gray's kind of thing, not mine! And NO ONE wants to be as gay as that guy!"

Steiner stared into Jack's eyes and asked teasingly, "If you don't like it, then I must ask you why you were enjoying it so much for a while there."

"Actually, I wasn't at all."

Steiner laughed and lightly slapped Jack. "Liar. You were begging for it."

Jack sat up and crossed his arms angrily. "Yeah, well, everyone does that when they get sexed up! It's not like I really, TRULY enjoyed myself!"

"Come on, you SO dig me. Remember that time not so long ago in chapter 3 when we were all over eachother on the floor, and we did it?"

"That was just...experimentation. It meant nothing, I swear."

"Yes it did. Though I have to say, this time was a lot more fun." Steiner sat up and wrapped his arms around Jack from behind.

"Get off of me."

"No. Anyway, you can't deny it: you're fatally attracted to my sexiness. And now, you have a pregnant wife. In the months to come, are you really going to want to fuck someone who's heavily pregnant?"

Jack remained quiet.

"Precisely. So now you have me. Or rather, I have YOU. You can be my new boytoy."

"What?! No! That's sick!"

"Yes, but it will be barrels of fun. For me, at least. And, in your heart, you know you'll like it too," said Steiner.

"I'm going to be a father in nine months! I can't do stuff like that!" Jack argued.

"Yes you can! It's easy: just let me stick my dick up your butthole. It's that simple. And maybe, if you're good, I'll let you stick YOUR dick up MY ass!"

Thinking about the future made Jack feel a bit sick.

"Please, just leave..."

Steiner laughed for like, the millionth time that day. He got up, dressed, and put the handcuffs back in his bed.

"This won't be the last time we meet, Jack." Steiner kissed him and left.

Jack, still naked, stared at the wall, eyes wide in terror.

"Maybe I should just kill myself. And maybe...maybe I'm just a little bit bisexual. But only a little. But it's not like that was fun, right? It hurt. It wasn't fun...it...it wasn't. Really."

He sighed heavily and laid back down. "Maybe a little. But hardly at all."

Jack's cellphone rang.

"Wow...when did I get a cellphone?" he said, staring at it.

"Answer, me dammit!" snapped the phone.

"Fine! Gawd!"

Jack snatched up the phone, flipping it open. "Who the hell is this?"

"Jack, it's Kai."

"Oh...K-Kai."

"Listen, are you ok?"

"Why do you want to know?" Jack asked, running a hand through his hair nervously.

"Why do you want to know why I want to know? Just tell me!" Kai answered.

"Why do you want to know why I don't want you to know when I might actually not want to not want you to know? Jesus!"

"Will you just answer? Are you ok or not?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, gee, maybe because you were at the shack earlier, crying about how Steiner was going to rape you! Was he there?"

"No. Not in any way, shape, or form," Jack lied. "No Steiner on the premisis."

"You sound really weird... Are you lying to me, Jack?"

"I'M NOT LYING! GAWD! EVER SINCE YOU BECAME THE KEYBLADE MASTER, YOU'VE BEEN SO PARANOID! GET OFF MY BACK, YOU PUERTA-RICAN, JESSE METCALFE-CLONE-DICK FACE! I AM SO HANGING UP ON YOU RIGHT NOW!"

Jack angrily snapped the phone shut and chucked it across the room. Then he rolled over and sobbed into his pillow.


	8. It's a Miserable Life

_**Tadaaa! Chapter 8! Hope y'all like it. This one was actually hard to write...a bit of a writer's block, you see.**_

**_And haha, I stuck in a cliff hanger just to torture everyone! _**

**_Hope you enjoy it. I love you guys!_**

* * *

_**Chapter 8 -- It's a Miserable Life**_

Jack continued to sob into his pillow until he heard a banging on the door, and knew it was Kai. He ignored it.

With an irritated groan, Kai said from behind the door, "Cut the crap, Jack, I know you're in there."

"NO I'M NOT. GO AWAY."

Kai opened the door and stepped inside. Jack quickly sat up, glaring at him.

"How did you just get in here!?"

Kai shrugged. "The door wasn't locked."

"Oh..."

Miserable, Jack turned around and slumped back down on the pillows. Kai walked over to his bedside.

"He came, didn't he? Steiner..."

"No, he didn't. I already told you over the phone -- he was NOT here in any way, shape, or form! Ok?!"

"Come on, don't lie! You got raped. You still have a rope tied around your ankle... Bondage, I presume?"

Jack hastily ripped the rope off his ankle. "You're delusional!" he snapped. "That rope was on my ankle for reasons that _do not _involve rape! It was there because...uh..."

Kai crossed his arms and stared at Jack, raising a brow expectantly.

"...Because sometimes I just like to walk around with ropes on my ankles. Is that such a crime?" Jack lied in a small voice, glancing at Kai.

"No, that's not a crime. But rape _is_. If you'd just admit that he was here, everything will go a lot easier, trust me."

"Steiner...was...not...HERE."

"If that were true, then why are you naked? Hmm?" Kai asked.

"GAWD! CAN'T A MAN BE NAKED IN HIS OWN HOUSE!?"

Kai rolled his eyes, suddenly looking almost as miserable as Jack. He sat himself down on the couch, putting his face in his hands wearily.

"I can't believe him... How dare he do this..." he muttered.

Jack peered over at Kai, wishing he would just go away. He wanted more than anything to be alone, to brood and bitch all by his lonesome...

Kai looked back at Jack, and their eyes met, but Jack looked away quickly.

"Why won't you just admit that Steiner was here?!" Kai snapped, suddenly.

"'Cause he'll probably kill me...!" whined Jack.

"AHA! So he WAS here!"

"DAMMIT!"

Kai jumped to his feet. "I knew it!"

Jack burst into tears, leapt off the bed, and flung himself at Kai's ankles in that 'begging for mercy' position. "DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO HIM! YOU'D BETTER NOT, OR I'LL...I'LL...STOP BUYING YOUR CORNDOGS, KAI!" he threatened

"Jack, you don't buy my corndogs to begin with. I don't think you're grasping the severity of the situation, here -- you're being assaulted by a fucking serial rapist, for Harvest Goddess' sake --"

"Don't take my wife's name in vain!"

"WHATEVER! Anyway, what's happening to you is a total, serious capital crime! Steiner's wanted in 58 states, which is REALLY bad, seeing as how there are only 50 states! So if you don't say something to the authorities, I _will_."

Jack's eyes widened in horror. "NO, HE'LL --"

"Hello there, boys."

Jack and Kai looked over to see that Takakura had just appeared right behind them.

"I must say," he said, "That this is quite a suspicious scene here. Jack, you young rascal, you! Why are you lying naked at the feet of this rather queer-looking foreigner?"

Kai, who didn't know a whole lot about Takakura's psychological-complex, looked at Jack in confusion. Jack, who was quite used to it, sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Go away, Takakura."

"Your father would be ashamed, young Jack. Your father did not like puerto-ricans like this fellow here. Oh, my...what would he say if he saw you right now? Lying submissively before one? You will go straight to hell, my child. Straight to hell, says I..." preached the crazy old bastard. It was times like these that made Jack wonder why he didn't send Tak to some home or something.

"Yes, I'm quite aware of that. So you can leave now, Tak. You've done your job for one day, ok?" said Jack.

"Well...ok. Good-bye, Jack. Good-bye, stupid puerto-rican boy."

Takakura left. Jack and Kai stared after him for a moment before getting back down to business.

"Kai, don't! If he's eluded 58 states so far, what makes you think telling _more_ police will help?!"

"Well, I, uh...well, you just can't keep letting this happen to you!"

Jack shot Kai an angry look and went to go get dressed. "Maybe he got it out of his system or something. Maybe he won't come back here again."

"Steiner? As if, Jack! You know he'll be back here again."

"Funny," Jack snapped, "You seem to know a lot about him!"

Kai flushed slightly. "Everyone does. Not a soul doesen't know that Steiner's a persistent asshole! And from what you've told me, he's taken a particular liking to you, and that doesen't usually happen when it comes to him and guys. You're in danger, Jack."

"You're just...taking this too seriously."

Kai looked hurt, and Jack felt slightly guilty.

"I'm just worried about you! I don't think you realize that... So, I guess I'm not wanted here." Kai stormed to the door, and with a cold glance over his shoulder, said, "See ya around."

The door slammed shut, and Kai was gone. Jack sat down on his bed with a sigh.

"Great. Now I feel obligated to apologize or something gay like that. Maybe, between Kai's guilt trips and Steiner's butt sex, I really AM being converted into a total fag. Maybe I should kill myself."

Suddenly, Jack heard a sneeze coming from somewhere in his bathroom.

"Oh, shit...! Someone's in my house..."

Grabbing the sharp, half-smashed bottle of liquor he kept on his bedside table for protection, Jack quietly crept to the bathroom. He could see something moving behind the shower curtain... Bracing himself for the worst, Jack grabbed it, pulled it open, and --

"OMFG DON'T HURT ME!"

There was Grant, the village loser. Cowering. Inside Jack's shower.

"Grant...?"

"Please, don't get that liquor bottle near me! You could poke my eyes out with that thing!" Grant cried.

Jack's hand tightened around the neck of the bottle angrily. "What the FUCK are you doing in my shower, Grant!?"

"Hiding from Kate..."

Kate was Grant's daughter -- a dominatrix in training.

"Well then, why are you hiding from her in my shower?! Why not YOUR shower?!"

"She'd find me in my shower, damn you! And besides, I like your shower better! It soothes me and returns the smile to my face...that is...if I COULD smile..." Grant sighed wistfully and looked down.

Jack lowered the bottle, actually feeling sorry for Grant. If _he _had Kate for a daughter, he'd probably be just as messed up as Grant... Jack prayed that his child wouldn't be like that.

"You...you're not going to hurt me?" Grant whimpered.

"No," Jack grunted, sitting down miserably on the toilet. The liquor bottle fell from his hand and shattered on the floor.

"You know, right now, you look almost as suicidal and depressed as me," Grant commented.

"I probably am right now. My life is officially over, after all."

"Why?"

"I'd probably tell you if I had a couple of beers, but I don't, so..."

Grant reached over and pulled out his hipflask, handing it to Jack. "I'm _never_ sober...I always carry beer with me. Helps ease the pain."

A little surprised, but greatful nonetheless, Jack started chugging Grant's hipflask with relish.

"You got some strong stuff in this thing," he said.

"Yes, I do. Harvest Goddess bless it..."

"Don't take my wife's name in vain."

"Sorry..."

There was a moment of quiet, the only sound being Jack chugging Grant's large hipflask. Finally, he drained it.

"Any better?" Grant asked.

"Yeah, loads. Thanks man." Jack sighed, and added, "Well, now that I'm sufficently drunk, I suppose I could share the tale of my Goddess-damned life --"

"Um, you just took your own wife's name in vain."

"Well, she's my wife, it's kind of my right to do that."

"Yes, of course... I'm sorry. Go on," apologized Grant.

"Well, there's this guy named Steiner, right? He and I met briefly, and y'know, it was all cool... But then it got weird. Now he's stalking me. Earlier tonight, he raped me..."

"I know, I was watching from the shower -- I...I mean, uh...go on..."

"Riiiight. Well, yeah...he raped me. And my best friend Kai was just over, and he's all like, 'OMG, Jack, it's a capital crime, you gotta tell someone!' And I'm all like, 'Uh, NO, 'cause Steiner's got awesome magic powers and loads of weapons like in Star Wars, and he'll probably murder us both'. So then Kai's all, like...layin' on the guilt trips and then he just storms out. And now I feel bad and crap. And on top of that, my stupid, fucking wife is pregnant. She's never even home! I don't even remember conceiving that damn embryo! So now I'm gonna be a full-time parent or something, AND have to deal with a serial rapist. Because, lemme tell ya, this Steiner guy's obsessed with butt-sexing me. And I'm beginning to wonder if I'm...well..."

"If you're what?"

"A fag!" Jack put his head in his hands, miserably, and started crying.

"What am I gonna do!? My life is OVER! I can't be a good father, my marriage sucks, I'm some psycho's boytoy, I might be a flaming bisexual, and my best friend is pissed at me! I WANT TO DIE! And on top of that, I think I'm developing a drinking problem!" Jack flung Grant's hipflask across the room and sobbed harder.

"Well, I know it's not true when I say this, but things'll get better..." Grant said, softly.

"No, they won't!!"

"Yeah..." he sighed. "They probably won't."

"Oh, Grant, what am I gonna do!?"

"Well, first, you should apologize to your friend," said Grant, "Then, you should steal all of someone's money and flee the country to try to make a new life as an exotic dancer."

"What?! I'm not going to do THAT!"

"Well, I will." Grant grabbed Jack's wallet and fled from the house.

"HEY, THAT'S MY WALLET! COME BACK, DAMN YOU!"

Jack pursued Grant away from the farm and down the street for quite some time until his drunkness and exhaustion nearly caused him to pass out in the middle of the road. All his money now gone on top of everything else, Jack slumped against a tree miserably, and eventually cried himself into a miserable, restless, beer-induced sleep.

* * *

"Kai, he's waking up..."

Jack groaned, slowly opening his eyes. He soon realized that he was lying in someone's bed...yes...he was in the Inner Inn...

"Jack? Uh...are you concious?"

It was Gray.

"Well, duh, you stupid homo!" Jack snapped, sitting up and rubbing his head. "Ugh..."

Kai strolled over to them from somewhere across the room, and was by Gray's side in a second. His arms were crossed, and he was glaring at Jack.

"You're lucky I found you, Jack. If I hadn't come along, the wild dog that runs around here at night would have probably eaten you or something. But I guess you'd know better than anyone that there's more than just wild dogs out there waiting for you." Kai let off a cough that sounded a lot like "Steiner".

Gray looked from Jack to Kai, confused, and said, "Uh...do you want me to leave the room or something...?"

"Yeah, screw you, Gray. Leave," Jack snapped.

Looking pissed and offended, Gray began to stalk towards the door, but Kai grabbed him by the back of the shirt and pulled him back.

"No, you can stay, Gray. Don't listen to Jack, he's full of shit."

"Scram, Gray! Don't listen to Kai, 'cause he has AIDS!"

"Jack's got a small dick!"

"KAI HAS TROUBLE GETTING ERECTIONS!"

"JACK MASTURBATES TO HARVEST SPRITES!"

"KAI HAS A --"

"_STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU!_" Gray screamed. Jack and Kai both shut their mouths.

"Jeez! Grow up! BOTH of you are assholes, Jack especially! So that means you're perfect for eachother, so kiss and make up, and get over whatever it is you're fighting about! In the meantime, _I'm _going shopping with Keria! Kohls is having a sale on hats."

Gray flicked them off and stormed out of the inn room.

With Gray gone, Kai just stared at Jack angrily. Jack caught onto his plan immediately.

"Don't think I don't know what you're doing, Kai! You're going to just stare at me and stare at me until I apologize! Well, guess what? It's not gonna happen, pencil dick!"

Kai continued to glare. Jack fidgeted uncomfortably.

"It's not working," he snapped.

Kai just kept on staring. Neither man made a sound. The longer Kai stared, the more Jack felt like he was going to explode, until finally --

"OK, OK! YOU JUST HAD TO PUSH AND PUSH, DIDN'T YOU, KAI!? I'M SORRY! ALRIGHT!? I'M. SORRY."

Jack turned to meet Kai's gaze, and saw with relief that the glare was gone from Kai's face.

"I suppose I can find it in my heart to forgive you, Jack."

Suddenly, Jack felt tears in his eyes.

_Dammit... I'm so drunk that I'm getting wishy-washy... _he thought.

Before he could stop himself, Jack was hugging Kai tightly around the waist.

"I'm really, really sorry Kai, alright?! I know you're only trying to help me and stuff, but..."

Kai sighed and said sadly, "Don't apologize anymore. Actually, I shouldn't have made you apologize in the first place. _I'm _the one that should be apologizing..."

Surprised, Jack looked up at Kai. "What do you mean?"

"There's something I have to tell you, Jack..." Kai swallowed nervously, and added, "And I don't want you to hate me for it..."

"Well well well...what a Hallmark moment," purred a dreadfully familiar voice.

Jack and Kai looked to see Steiner leaning against the door, smirking.


	9. Crotch Cushion

**_Here is chapter 9! Yeah, I know I'm slow as hell with updating by now. :P_**

**_Lately, I've been kind of outlining how the rest of the story is going to go. It's actually around halfway to the ending! This fic isn't going to be extremely long, maybe in the range of 20 chapters... Love and Iniquity, on the other hand, should prove to be longer... _**

**_Anyway, enjoy the chapter!_**

* * *

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_**Chapter 9 -- Crotch Cushion**_

"Steiner..." Kai hissed.

Jack looked at Steiner and whimpered. He could already feel his asshole tighten in fear.

_Oh my Harvest Goddess, he's gonna rape us BOTH!_

"Well, if it isn't my two good friends, Jack and Kai, sharing a moment."

"Look, Steiner, what do y --"

"I WON'T LET YOU TAKE ME LIKE THIS, YOU BASTARD!" Jack screamed, dramatically interrupting Kai. The distressed farmer made a break for the window, grabbed the nearest lamp, and started trying to break it open. However, not even a crack appeared...

"What kind of fucked up window is this?!" cried Jack, banging his head on the window in defeated despair, on the verge of tears.

Kai rolled his eyes, and said, "Didn't anyone ever tell you, Jack? Ruby casts spells on all the windows to make them unbreakable, so no one can escape the hotel."

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"That's just dandy," Steiner said, finally, "But can I get on with my dramatic entrance scene?"

"No," Kai snapped.

"What? Why!?"

"Because we hate you, and hope you die of AIDs. Come on, Jack, let's ditch this popsicle stand..."

Kai roughly grabbed Jack by the arm and dragged him to the door, but Steiner blocked the way.

"Do you honestly think I'd let you escape so easily?" he purred.

Kai glared, and Jack let out a gasp of fear.

"You can cut it with the sexy rapist act, because it doesen't work on me. And if you don't get out of my Goddess-damned way --"

"Hey, don't take my wife's name in vain!"

"SHUT UP, JACK. Now, if you don't get out of my Goddess-damned way, Steiner, I am going to do something terrible..." Kai threatened.

"Oh, really? Like what, puerto rican boy?"

"I'll kick you in the nuts."

"Go ahead...I dare you," Steiner said, smirking.

Both taken aback by Steiner's lack of fear of getting kicked in the twig and berries, Jack and Kai exchanged shocked glances.

A little more loudly, Steiner said, "Come on, kick my dick! Or are you too much of a pussy to do that? Hmm, Kai?"

"Don't do it, Kai!" Jack whispered. "There's gotta be a reason to his confidence... What if he can shoot poison from it?"

"Is that...is that even possible?" Kai whispered back, eyes widening.

"Probably!!"

Steiner fake-coughed, and both Jack and Kai looked up at him.

"I assure you," he said, rather dryly, "That I can't shoot anything out of my penis except for urine and sperm...and this green stuff on occasion (Jack whimpered, wondering what sort of STD he was now infected with), but that's not the point. The point is that you, Kai, are too chicken to kick me. So do it, if you're man enough. Come on. Do it!"

Kai hesitated for a moment, then delivered a sharp kick to Steiner's groin. He didn't even wince.

"W-what?! That's supposed to HURT, asshole!"

Steiner laughed and patted his crotch. "You see, I am always prepared for occasions such as this. That is why I always wear a cushion in my boxers."

Kai's face reddened in anger. "A cushion!? That's gay! No one wears a cushion in their boxers! NO ONE!"

Steiner grinned and delivered a sharp, hard, swift kick to Kai's groin. Kai fell to the ground with a thump, screaming and writhing in pain. Jack took a fearful step back.

"Bet you wish you had one now though, right?" sneered Steiner.

"You...you're a monster..." Jack whimpered.

"Thank you. Now, let's get down to business, sexy boys."

Steiner roughly seized Jack and Kai by the backs of their shirts, dragged them to the bed, and thrust them onto it roughly. He shoved both their faces into the mattress.

"You know," Steiner said in a mock-thoughtful tone, "I don't know why you're trying to defend little farmboy, Kai... After all, this is what you wanted, right?"

Jack was confused. He would have turned his head to look at Kai, but sadly, his face was pressed too hard into the mattress. Not to mention that he couldn't breathe and stuff.

"It's not...!" came Kai's muffled voice from somewhere on Jack's right.

"No no no, don't talk...just listen," said Steiner. He coughed, then went on, "Yeah, it's pretty much all your fault, Kai. You can play Jack's hero all you want, but really, really think about it... Are you a protagonist? Or an antagonist? Decide, Kai..."

Long silence.

"Wow," Steiner said, "Damn, that was one hell of a powerful line I just said there... Gotta write that one down. Anyone have a pen?"

He released his hold on Jack and Steiner to search his pockets. Jack sat up, gasping for breath and trying to get the taste of Ruby's shitty mattress out of his mouth. Kai was glaring bitterly at Steiner.

"Aw, fuck, no pen. Ah, well..."

Steiner caught the look Kai was giving him, and grinned. "That's a cute face."

"Don't flirt with me."

"Why so pissy? I was being totally honest with you. Be ticked with yourself, not me."

Jack was utterly lost as to what was going on. Why, he wondered, was Steiner blaming Kai for everything?

"Just leave us alone!" Kai snapped.

Steiner smiled. "I don't know... I'm horny. Again. What if I want to bang one of you? Or both?"

Jack squeaked, and winced as the small noise made him catch Steiner's eye.

"You're so sweet when you're scared, Jack..."

Before Jack could make another move, Steiner was upon him, and he was pinned to the mattress. Kai let out an angry cry.

But suddenly, Steiner stopped -- there came the sound of the door flying open. The three men turned quickly to look.

"I forgot my purse, you guys!" said Gray, stepping inside. "I --"

The whole room seemed to freeze. Gray gaped, looking from Kai, who had been pulling Steiner by the shirt; then to Steiner, who was crouched over Jack; then finally, to Jack, who was pinned and vulnerable beneath Steiner.

Gray's eyes blazed, and he took a step forward, pointing an accusing finger at Jack.

"JACK, YOU HYPOCRITE... SO YOU'VE BEEN A FLAMIN' FRUIT LOOP THIS WHOLE TIME! YOU...ARE...NOT...STRAIGHT!! AND YOU RIP ON _ME_ FOR BEING GAY! HOW _DARE _YOU!!"

"Nuh-uh! I'm _not_ gay! I'M not the one who came back into the room to find a PURSE!" Jack argued.

"I'M NOT THE ONE WITH MY LEGS OPEN BENEATH A HOT GUY!"

_Oh, snap, he's got a point..._

"Yeah...w-well --"

"HEY!"

Jack, Gray, Kai, and Steiner looked at the door, only to find the rather dike-ish and emo Nami standing there. She looked almost just as angry as Gray.

"I WAS BUSY SLITTING MY WRISTS AND HATING MY LIFE, WHEN I SUDDENLY HEARD A GREAT RUMPUS COMING FROM THIS ROOM! YOU _DO NOT _MAKE RUMPUSES WHEN I AM SLITTING MY WRISTS AND HATING MY LIFE! IT'S ON THE HOTEL RULE BOARD!"

The boys stared at her blankly.

Nami stuck a hand on her hip and rolled her eyes angrily. "Do I have to recite the rules for you dumbasses!?"

Silence.

Nami sighed. "Rule one -- bring your own beer. Rule two -- put all toilet seats down after usage. Rule three -- any bodily fluids caused by sexual intercourse must be kept off the mattresses. Rule four -- do your own laundry. Rule five -- cook your own damn meals. Rule six -- the amount of money you have in your wallet is the amount of money your stay at the inn will cost. Rule seven -- keep all forks out of electrical outlets. Rule eight -- no making a rumpus. Rule nine -- the bedrooms will NOT be used to flog horses. Rule ten -- DO NOT INTERRUPT NAMI WHEN SHE IS SLITTING HER WRISTS AND HATING HER LIFE, DAMN YOU! Therefore, you four cock-munchers have broken both rule ten and rule eight! Now, get out of the inn!"

"But --"

"OUT!"

* * *

Jack and Kai fled down the darkened street together. They had been the firsts to leave after Nami's command, and had run out as quickly as possible in order to avoid Steiner. At last, panting, they reached Jack's house and locked the door behind them.

"For once, I'm actually thankful that Gray and Nami exist..." Kai said, clutching a stitch in his side.

"I'm still not," Jack replied as he quickly went about locking the windows, and wishing he knew the spell Ruby used on hers to keep them from breaking.

"Well, hey, at least no one got raped tonight..."

Steiner's earlier visit still fresh in Jack's mind; he shot Kai an angry glance.

"Oh, right... Well, no one got raped in the past hour then, right?"

"Whatever..."

There was a moment of tired silence... Then Jack thought of something...

"Kai?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, uh...why would Steiner think that all this shit is your fault?"

Kai opened his mouth to speak, shut it again, and flushed.

"I don't know," he answered finally.

"Dude. Is there something you're not telling me?"

"No!"

"Are you conspiring behind my back?!" Jack demanded.

"NO!"

"Fine! Gawd! Just asking!"

"I had nothing to do with it, you know...! Steiner's always getting high off pot, he was probably trashed when he came into the hotel room..." Kai grumbled.

"Whatever, man. Whatever." Jack folded his arms poutily.

"Dude, we are on the verge of a fight again... Let's not get into anything, ok?"

"...Ok..."

They sighed simultaneously.

"Well, isn't this just great... First, my wife's pregnant, and now I'm the slave of --"

"What?"

"What do you mean, 'what'?"

"What was it that you just said?" Kai was looking at Jack, eyes wide.

"I said 'what do you mean, what?'!" Jack snapped.

"NO, you idiot! What you said about your wife..."

"Oh, her? She's pregnant."

Kai gaped at him. Jack was confused...

"What's with that face, dude? I thought I told you."

"No, I didn't know she was pregnant..."

"Well, now you do."

Kai blinked and ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head. "Damn... You knocked her up?"

"Yeah, I did, ok?!"

"You're gonna be a dad..."

"I KNOW THAT!! And she's NEVER home! How the hell am I gonna raise a kid all by myself?!" cried Jack, suicidal thoughts creeping into his mind.

"Well, you know...I'll help you."

"How can you? You always leave when Summer ends."

"I could stay this time."

Jack looked at Kai and raised his eyebrows. "What?"

"I'll stay."

Jack could hardly believe his ears... Kai? Stay in crackpot little Forget-Me-Not Valley for his sake? He stared at Kai. Their eyes met for a moment, then Kai hurriedly looked away.

"Kai... Thanks."

"Don't thank me. This is getting sappy."

"Yeah, you're right."

"You know, this could use a plot twist."

As if on cue, the front door exploded, and in stepped --


	10. Mpreg and Transexuality

**_TADAAA! Chapter 10! _**

**_Also, I DO NOT HATE CLIFF! I just like to pick on him! Heh, same with Gray._**

**_Oh yeah...and in the next chapter, you'll find out how Kai wound up with the Keyblade in the first place. I was gonna explain it in this chapter, but fell short of time, so I'll just do it next chapter..._**

**_Anyway, enjoy. Have fun. Don't play with matches._**

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_**Chapter 10 – Mpreg and Transexuality**_

The front door exploded (as indicated in the final sentence of chapter 9, you see), and in stepped the Witch Princess.

"Fancy giving me a cup of sugar?" she asked politely, holding out an empty measuring cup.

Jack and Kai gaped at her, then at each other.

"Umm…excuse me?" Jack blinked.

"What are you: stupid, or deaf?! I just asked for a friggin' cup of sugar here!" the Witch Princess snapped, shaking the cup for emphasis.

"Why? I mean, couldn't you just, like…turn a gerbil into a bag of sugar or something like that? You went to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You can do magic," Jack retorted.

"I find that comment highly biased and insulting. My magic is limited to fortune telling, broom flying, creating fatal diseases, and sometimes mind-reading. I also experiment with the human body on occasion, but that's about it…"

"We were in the middle of an important and PRIVATE conversation. You kind of interrupted," Kai replied, irritated.

"Just give me some sugar, and I'll leave."

"Now, when you say, 'give me some sugar', do you mean --?"

"I mean the stuff you buy at the grocery store!"

"Oh. Well, it's in that cupboard over there…take it, I guess," Jack sighed, pointing to said cupboard.

As the Witch Princess helped herself to the sugar, Kai turned back to Jack.

"If you had a fucking lock on your door, shit like this wouldn't happen!" he whispered.

"I DID have a lock…Steiner just busted it during one of his break-ins!" Jack hissed.

"Well, you could have at least bought one of Griffin's 'Witch Repellant' sticks… Then we wouldn't have been interrupted! I always TOLD you that you needed one, but you were always like, 'nooo'!"

Jack pouted at the remark.

"Ahem. I'm afraid I just heard every word you said. I can read minds, as I said before… Not that I needed to – you were being rather loud…" the Witch Princess drawled. "But while we're on the subject of mind reading, I have to say, Kai, that you need to wipe your mind of those dirty thoughts you get every time Jack makes that pouty face…"

Jack blinked, and Kai turned crimson. The Keyblade appeared in his hand, and he pointed it threateningly at the Witch Princess.

"You're lying! I'll kill you, bitch! I'll kill you good!"

The Witch Princess appeared undaunted. "I would not recommend that. I could, like, give you a fatal disease or something. Would you like testicular cancer, Kai?"

The Keyblade lowered in answer.

"I thought not…"

"Wait…" said Jack, "You can give people fatal diseases?"

"I believe that was stated in my introduction; yes."

Jack grinned.

In unison, Kai and the Witch asked, "What's your point?"

"Don't you get it, Kai!? We could get Witch Princess here to give Steiner testicular cancer!!"

Kai blinked. "You want to kill him?"

"Well, yeah! He's just gonna keep raping me if we don't!"

"But if he gets testicular cancer, he could just get a ball chopped off, and then the cancer would be gone, right?"

Jack replied, "Yeah, but what if we give him cancer in BOTH of his balls?"

"…Then he could just get BOTH of them cut off."

"Why testicular cancer? The Bubonic Plague would be way cooler," interjected the Witch Princess.

"So, you'll do it? You'll kill Steiner for me?"

"Well, no, actually."

"B…but why? I'm letting you borrow my sugar despite the fact that my wife fucking HATES you! You owe me!" Jack whined.

"My energy is focused on only one experiment right now, and until it's over, I'm not killing anyone."

"_What _experiment!?"

A distant, self-pleased look appeared on the Witch Princess' face, and Jack and Kai assumed that this project was something she was, without a doubt, very proud of.

"I'm working on giving Cliff the sex change he's always wanted. I told you, I experiment on the human body. And this was TOTALLY the perfect opportunity…"

Jack grimaced in disgust, remembering a certain Cliff-related incident at a certain party… Kai patted Jack consolingly on the shoulder, apparently thinking of the same thing.

"But of course," Witch continued absently, "With the method I'm using, Cliff runs the risk of impregnating himself…"

"EW! How the fuck does that happen!?" Kai asked, appalled.

"Well, at the moment, he has both a penis _and _a vagina. If he were to masturbate (which he probably will), he has an 80 chance of knocking himself up. Fascinating, isn't it?"

Kai and Jack remained silent, gaping at her.

"Would you like to see?" she asked.

"…Yeah, ok," Kai admitted, finally.

"Sure, me too," Jack added.

* * *

"After you," said the Witch Princess, holding the door of her small, crappy house open for Jack and Kai.

Jack looked around after stepping in after Kai. Yes, the house was definitely all that he expected a house of a psycho-witch-bitch to be – cluttered with vials and books, stone walls and floors, torture devices lining the walls… It pretty much looked like Professor Snape's office or something.

The only thing that didn't match was Cliff, standing off in the corner; not dressed in drag, for once. He looked up as Kai, Jack, and the Witch Princess entered.

Jack looked Cliff up and down, and Cliff looked back warily.

"He doesn't look like a chick. He still looks like the same, stupid, emo Cliff," snorted Jack.

"Well DUH! I haven't had time to give him those chick-hormones. I only just finished giving him a vagina. Then we need to remove the penis."

Kai looked horrified.

"Umm…what are they, uh…doing here?" Cliff whimpered quietly.

"They wanted to see your vagina."

"Why?"

"Just shut up and take off your pants, Cliff."

Cliff sighed sadly and pulled down his pants. Kai and Jack gasped in unison.

"Dude, that is so SICK…!" Kai blurted out.

Jack rounded on the Witch Princess angrily. "THIS is what you've been spending your time on!? Giving some stupid, emo transvestite a vagina?! Come ON! You could be helping Kai and I kill Steiner, but noooo! You were doing THIS!"

"HEY! This is important medical science that I've discovered here!"

"NO IT ISN'T! GENDER-CHANGING OPERATIONS WERE ALREADY INVENTED, BITCH! AND UNLIKE _YOURS_, THEY DON'T GIVE THE PATIENT THE RISK OF GETTING THEMSELVES PREGNANT!"

Cliff turned white. _"WHAT?!"_

Jack turned to Cliff and pointed dramatically at the Witch Princess. "She says that if you masturbate, you'll probably get yourself pregnant!!"

Cliff's eyes widened in horror, and he looked like he was about to be sick.

"Cliff…have you masturbated?" Kai asked incredulously.

Cliff turned and ran out of the Witch Princess' house, screaming.

"CLIFF! WAIT! COME BACK!" the Witch Princess cried after him, leaning out the door.

But Cliff had already run far, far away in quite a short amount of time.

The Witch's eyes glowed a violent shade of red as she slowly turned to face Jack.

"YOU…JUST…SENT…MY…EXPERIMENT…SCREAMING AND RUNNING OUT THE FUCKING DOOR!"

Before Jack could respond, the Witch was upon him.

"I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL FUCKING _KILL_ YOU!"

Jack screamed like a little girl and tried to get the Witch Princess off, but to no avail. But suddenly, he caught sight of a flash of gold, and witnessed the Keyblade smacking the Witch Princess on the head.

"BACK! BACK, I SAY!" Kai yelled, bashing her in the head again.

The Witch Princess hissed and recoiled, and Kai held the huge-ass key at her throat.

"Don't move," he threatened.

Jack quickly crawled as far from the Witch Princess as possible.

"Now that you no longer have an experiment," Kai went on coolly, "I think it's only fair that you go ahead and give Steiner the Bubonic Plague."

"Never!"

"Do it, or I'll kill you."

"NO, YOU STUPID JESSE METCALFE LOOKALIKE!"

"GAWD DAMMIT, WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY I LOOK LIKE JESSE METCALFE! I _DON'T!"_Kai screamed, pressing the Keyblade against the Witch's throat for emphasis.

"Well…you kind of do, Kai. But that's not an insult! Everyone knows Jesse Metcalfe is smokin' hot!" Jack commented.

"Really?"

"Hell yeah! He's hot! Wait…that sounded gay, didn't it?"

"Well, uh…"

The Witch Princess raised an eyebrow, and Kai flushed and turned to focus on her once more.

"Look, just kill Steiner!" he snapped.

The Witch smirked suddenly. "I will…on one condition."

Kai glared daggers, but didn't protest. "Oh?"

"If I can't use Cliff for my gender experiments, I would like to lay claim on the greatest sexual mystery of all…"

"That being?"

"Jamie from Harvest Moon: Magical Melody."

Kai blinked. "You serious?"

"As serious as the Bubonic Plague is."

Kai hesitated a moment, then lowered the Keyblade with a resigned sigh.

"Where can we find the he-she?" he asked softly.

"As it turns out, Jamie decided to quit ranching because he/she actually sucked at it. Jamie now works as a pole dancer in Las Vegas."

"We have to go to Vegas?" Jack quipped, excitement flashing across his face.

"Yes. That is…if you want to give Steiner the plague."

Kai looked at Jack, who nodded eagerly, then back to the Witch Princess.

"Fine… We'll do it."


	11. Moist Towelettes

_**Tada! Here it is! Chapter 11. In today's chapter, we find out the reason why Kai has the Keyblade. Hooray for Keyblades. Hooray for Kingdom Hearts. Hooray for Kai and his sexiness. And hooray for Vegas. Surely, Jack's hoping that Steiner won't follow them there... He's got a reason to worry. XD We shall see more Steiner very, very soon, my dears. Oooohhhh yes.**_

**_Also, SUMMER IS HERE! Well, it's been here for a few weeks, actually, but anyway...HAPPY SUMMER! _****_(Runs off to work on the next chapter of Love and Iniquity)_**

**_Enjoy._**

* * *

_**Chapter 11 – Moist Towelettes**_

The prospect of a trip to Vegas was one Jack found utterly exciting. I mean, come on – it's VEGAS, baby. And despite the fact that he was only going there to find some transgender purple-haired ex-rancher-gone-pole-dancer, Jack was nearly pissing his pants with joy.

"How long do you think we'll be there?" he asked breathlessly over his shoulder to Kai as he packed his things.

"Hopefully not long," Kai solemnly replied.

"Pull that stick out of your ass, would you? It's VEGAS, Kai. V-E-G-A-S! Got it memorized?"

"Stop quoting Kingdom Hearts. And I most certainly _do not _have a stick up my ass."

"Then why don't you seem happy about the fact that we're taking a vacation for once?"

"We are NOT taking a vacation. We have work to do!"

"…Yeah… But still, Vegas will have martinis. And all vacations have martinis," Jack reminded him.

Kai sighed. "Well, what about your wife? What'll she think about this?"

"Oh, she won't know we're going to Vegas. I'm gonna start writing my good-bye note to her here in a sec…"

Jack snatched a piece of paper and a pen off of some random table and began to write:

_Harvest Goddess,_

_Something has come up; a task I cannot turn down. You see, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have called me and requested that I come with them to feed and teach starving/diseased orphans in_

Jack paused and turned to Kai, asking, "If my wife comes looking for me, we need to mislead her, tell her that we're somewhere else. Now, what's one place really, really far away from Las Vegas?"

Kai was silent in thought for a moment.

"Hey, what about Maine? Las Vegas is in California, and Maine is pretty much on the other side of the United States, right?" he suggested.

"_Maine?_ Is that the best you could think of?" Jack snorted.

"What's wrong with Maine?"

"It's only, like…the least cared about state EVER. No one ever talks about Maine. I mean, come on."

"Dude, that's not true. Remember that movie, Stephen King's IT? It took place in Maine, man. People talk about Maine all the time. You must be thinking of Wyoming. No one gives a shit about Wyoming."

"Well then…what about Mexico?" Jack said.

"Mexico's not as far from California as Maine is."

"GAWD! FINE! MAINE IT IS!"

Jack continued to write his note. It now read:

_Harvest Goddess,_

_Something has come up; a task I cannot turn down. You see, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have called me and requested that I come with them to feed and teach starving/diseased orphans in Maine. It's really a good cause. These orphans need my help. And don't worry – Takakura will take care of the farm while I'm gone. Also, I'll try to be back before the baby's born. But I'm not, like, making any promises about that or anything._

_With Love,_

_Jack_

"Done!" Jack slammed the pen down on the random table with an air of finality.

Kai snatched up the note and read it over, his eyebrows rising higher with every word.

"Starving/diseased orphans, eh?"

"Well, yeah. I thought she'd be impressed by that."

"…I don't think Maine has any starving/diseased orphans. You're thinking of a third-world country like Africa or something."

With a glare, Jack snatched the note out of Kai's hands. "Well, you're the one who suggested _Maine_, cheese balls!"

"'Cheese balls'?"

"Shut up! We have a plane to catch!"

* * *

"Idon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon'twannadieohgawdpleasedon'tletmedieIdon'twannadie…!!!!!" Jack chanted in a panicked voice as he clung to the arm rests of his seat on the plane. 

"Umm, excuse me sir, would you like another moist towelette…?" the stewardess offered with an air of uncertainty.

"NO, AND FOR THE LAST TIME, I MOST CERTAINLY WOULD _NOT _LIKE ANOTHER MOIST TOWELETTE, SO GET YOUR BLONDE HAIR, OVER-LARGE BREASTS, AND SUPPLE BOTTOM OUT OF MY FACE, BARBIE!!!" Jack screamed.

Looking flustered, hurt, and a little frightened, the stewardess scrambled away.

"Jack? Uh…well…the plane hasn't even taken off yet," Kai told him gently.

Jack paused. "It hasn't? Really?"

"Yeah. See?" Kai pointed out the window, and sure enough, the plane was most certainly grounded.

"Oh. Well, that's a relief."

The stewardess once again showed her face, looking as though she had not remembered the insult she had received just a few seconds ago, and asked, "Excuse me sirs, but would you like a bag of peanuts?"

"No. Your peanuts suck. And this is like, the millionth time you've come by here offering peanuts or moist towelettes, now GO AWAY!" Kai snapped.

The stewardess once again turned and left.

"Gawd. What's her problem?" Kai wondered aloud.

"Maybe…maybe she keeps coming by here because she digs us?"

"I don't know. But she looked a little vacant to me… Maybe she's mentally retarded or something?"

"Maybe."

And then it happened again. "Would you like a bag of –"

"DAMMIT, SHUT UP!!"

The Keyblade appeared in Kai's hand, and with it, he proceeded to chop the mentally retarded stewardess into eighths. The other passengers on the plane glanced up questioningly to see what the commotion was, but when they saw it was merely a young Puerto Rican man chopping up a curvy blonde stewardess with a giant key, they returned to whatever they were doing.

"Was that really necessary?" Jack asked with a raised brow once Kai had finished.

"Well, if I hadn't, she would've kept coming back here, offering us peanuts and moist towelettes."

"Ah. You're right about that…"

They sat in thoughtful silence for a moment.

Suddenly, Jack asked, "Say, Kai?"

"Mm?"

"How did you wind up with the Keyblade, anyway? I mean…didn't it belong to some pubescent boy before?"

"Ahh. That." Kai turned the Keyblade over in his hands thoughtfully before saying, "It's quite a tale."

**FLAAAAASH BAAAACK TIIIIME**

_Sora bounded up the Rising Falls of Hollow Bastion, flanked by Donald and Goofy._

"_C'mon you guys, we gotta save Kairi!!"_

_Alas. He was met with a surprise upon reaching the top of the Falls._

"_Dude… Who the hell are YOU?"_

_Standing there was none other than our beloved Kai._

"_The name's Kai, and I've come for your Keyblade. Now fork it over or I'm gonna have to go Chuck Norris on your skinny white ass."_

"_B-but! Wait!" Hastily, Sora pulled a copy of the Kingdom Hearts script from his pants and waved it at Kai._

"_RIKU'S supposed to be at this part! The script doesn't mention anything about strange Puerto Ricans dressed in purple!"_

_Kai stamped his foot in an annoyed sort of way and rolled his eyes. "Jeez! WHY does everyone say I'm Puerto Rican!? I'm not! It's like –"_

"_I don't care! Where's Riku!?"_

"_OH. Him. Funny thing, about that… You see, your little friend Riku is getting pwned Michael Jackson-style by a man named Ansem."_

_As if on cue, an orgasmic yell sounded somewhere in the distance. Sora paled._

"_Now, hand over the Keyblade. Or else."_

"_But this…this isn't right!! It's not in the –"_

"_Script? Oh, COME ON, script boy! This is reality! Stop being a retard, or I'm gonna take it by force!"_

"_Why do you want it anyway!?"_

"_Because I have a list of people I need to kill, and what better way to do it than with a giant key? That's fucking awesome."_

_Sora's bottom lip trembled. "B-but I dun wanna give it t-t-t-to you…!!"_

_Kai rolled his eyes. "Aww, you cryin'? Gonna run to mommy? Well, ya can't, 'cause I pwned yo momma too!"_

_Sora threw the Keyblade at Kai and ran off, sobbing. Donald and Goofy shot him pissed glances, then followed the ex-Keyblade wielder._

"_Ha. Suckers."_

**END FLASHBACK**

"Dang, man. That's a little harsh," Jack remarked.

"Yeah, well…it's a tough world."

"What happened to Sora anyway?"

"Therapy. But I hear he went to jail six months after our little meeting for a DUI and something about having sex with ferrets."

"Oh."

The plane gave a sudden jolt, and Jack screamed.

"We will now be taking off. Fasten your seatbelts and shut the fuck up or the pilot is gonna personally kick yo ass. Also, we would like to ask the Puerto Rican man in the third row to not kill any more stewardesses. Thank you, and have a nice flight," said the flight attendant.

Kai cursed.

The plane began to take off, with Jack screaming, "I WANNA GET OFF! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP, DAMMIT!!"

But the plane didn't stop or anything. Then at last, it was in the air, and Jack and Kai were on their way to Vegas, baby.


	12. Exotic Dancers Suck Monkey Balls

_**W00T, here it is! Chapter douze. Yay.**_

**_I noticed that I used a lot of chat speak in this chapter... I think I've been on AIM waaay too much lately. By the way, my AIM username is tacochickenwings, so if you ever want to talk, that would be fun. :D_**

**_Well, enjoy, peeps! XD_**

* * *

_**Chapter 12 -- Exotic Dancers Suck Monkey Balls**_

The plane ride was pretty much a blur of Jack screaming and shitting his pants, with Kai trying to casually explain to the fellow passengers that the reason for such was that Jack was suffering from a mild form of mental retardation, so they should stop staring. And somewhere around that time, I realized that Las Vegas was in Nevada and not California.

lol. My bad. Oopseh.

And at last, the plane ride was over. Jack flung himself from the plane, kissing the ground.

"OH, SWEET JESUS! IT'S OVER! THAT WAS THE LONGEST 10 HOURS OF MY FUCKING LIFE!"

"Umm, Jack? It was only a 45 minute plane ride..." Kai said, frowning.

"Wait, seriously?"

"Uh...yeah."

"Oh! That's cool. Now, let's go find that hermaphrodite!"

* * *

Soon after leaving the airport, Jack and Kai managed to hail a cab.

"Where to?" grunted the stereotypical-loser-high-school-drop-out-no-money-lives-with-mom-and-eats-tuna-out-of-the-can cab driver.

"Uh, hold on a sec..." Kai mumbled, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a slip of paper, upon which the Witch Princess had written their destination.

"Ah. Says here we need to go to 'Spanky's Spank-A-Thon Strip Club'."

"lol, what a silly name," said Jack.

"Spanky's, eh?" said the cab driver. "I go there, like, pretty much every day! Good place, Spanky's."

"Er...yeah. Could you just take us there and not say anything else?"

The driver sighed. "Dammit, why doesn't anyone wanna talk to me!? This happens all the time! WHY CAN'T ANYONE SEE THAT I'M A HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS, AND THAT I --"

"LOOK, just shut up and drive! If we wanted to talk to the 40-year-old virgin, we would have said so. Now, you're not getting paid minimum wage to yak. 'Kay? 'Kay," snapped Kai.

"Uh, yeah, we're in a hurry!" piped Jack.

The drive was silent, as both Jack and Kai contemplated their mission (though, there was the constant background noise of the cab driver muttering things that sounded vaguely like 'yer gonna die' and 'seven days to live'). It wasn't long before they reached a shiny purple building, decked out with a neon sign that said, 'Spanky's Spank-A-Thon Strip Club -- Prepare to get SPANK'D FTW!'

"WOW, this place looks awesome!" Jack enthused.

"Don't get too excited... We're not here to get laid. We gotta find that Jamie thing. Now, do you have everything we need?"

Jack reached into his pants, fished around, and pulled out a burlap bag and a hammer. "Yep."

"Ok, good. Let's go."

Jack and Kai jumped out of the cab as the driver called, "AREN'T YOU GONNA PAY ME?"

"Nope."

They slammed the door in his face and proceeded inside.

Spanky's was pretty much that stereotypical strip club you see on TV, with the pretty flashy lights, the shiny black tiled floor, round booth seats, and sleazy women. And cocktails. Oooh my, there were cocktails.

"Welcome to Spanky's, how may I help you?" greeted one of the "exotic dancers" (though we all know that 'exotic dancer' is just a nice way of saying 'whore').

"Umm, do you happen to have a dancer named, er...'Jamie' here?" Jack asked.

"Yes, we do. But she's busy right now. Why?" the dancer asked, curiously eyeing the burlap bag and hammer.

"Umm...we're here on important business. It's, it's personal stuff, really. But we have to see him -- uh -- her, I mean. It's pretty serious stuff."

"Well, she won't be happy about the interuption, but...well...if it's _that _important, follow me to the back then, I guess."

Ahhh, yes. It was one of those coveted back rooms that say 'STAFF ONLY'. The kind you always see in the stores, and just fantasize about jumping through and screaming, 'LOL, I'M IN UR STAFF ROOM BITCHES!!!' And like everyone else, Jack and Kai had had those fantasies. So, walking through that shiny black 'Staff Only' door was making them shiver with anticipation.

The whore led them through, and the door shut behind them with a soft, holy-sounding "whoosh". Jack and Kai stared around in awe.

"LOL, I'M IN UR STAFF ROOM, BITCHES!" Jack screamed.

"Erm...Jamie's right over there. I'm sure she'll be with you when she's done with whatever she's doing," said the whore, stepping back out of the room and eyeing Jack warily.

She had pointed across the vast staff room, where a sign read 'Whore Training'. Behind it were a number of poles and platforms and tables to dance on. Not to mention a number of chicks. And a couple of dudes that looked like chicks, too.

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, LA FAWNDUH!? YOU NEED TO STICK YOUR TITS AGAINST THAT POLE, IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO DO IT!" snapped a young woman with shortish purple hair at one of the girls on the pole.

"But...but I just got them done! I can't!" the girl protested.

"Oh, for the love of Harvest Goddess!"

"HEY! DON'T TAKE MY WIFE'S NAME IN VAIN!" Jack cried.

Everyone stopped and turned to look at him.

"Excuse me?" said the purple-haired one, raising a brow.

Everyone was staring now.

"Umm..." Kai said awkwardly, "Uh...which one of you is Jamie?"

"You're looking at her," replied purple-hair haughtily.

"But, but you look like a woman! Aren't you supposed to be half-man!?" Jack blurted out.

All the dancer's gasped. Jamie's eyes widened in outrage and shock, and before Jack and Kai could make another move, she grabbed both of them by their arms and dragged them out of the room while yelling over her shoulder to the dancers, "YOU HEARD NOTHING!"

The glory of being behind the coveted staff room door had evaporated as Jack and Kai found themselves being pinned against a wall by an unusually strong hermaphrodite exotic dancer.

"How the hell do you know about me!?" Jamie hissed.

"Dude, who DOESN'T know about you? You're only like, the freakiest Harvest Moon character EVER!" Jack retorted.

"Forgive him, he's got Tourette's Syndrome, he can't control the nonsense he speaks!" Kai insisted.

"Look, the others don't know my secret! How DARE you sneak in here and scream it to everyone!! YOU'RE LUCKY IF I DON'T KILL YOU **DEAD**!"

Jack squeaked in fear. This was definitely not on his list of ways he wouldn't mind dying.

"L-listen, we just need to ask you a favor! Jack is really, really sorry for telling everyone that you have a penis! Wait...you _do _have a penis, right?"

Jamie's legs moved closer together. "That's none of your business! Now, what the HELL do you want!?"

"W-w-we need to take you to a witch in the countryside so she can perform experiments on you and your penis so that in return, she can give the Bubonic Plague to a gay guy that keeps trying to rape me!" Jack held up the burlap bag he had been holding and continued, "So if you could just crawl into this bag here, it would make things sooo much easier for us!!"

Jamie gaped at them for a long moment. But it didn't take long for her to compose herself (or would it be himself? Or itself?) and scream, "SECURITY!"

* * *

After a rather short battle in which jack almost lost an eye, and Kai, a testicle, the two young men found themselves on their asses outside Spanky's.

"Ow... Did they have to be so rough with us...?" Jack whined.

"Well, you _did _try to hit Jamie over the head with a hammer and shove her in a burlap bag..."

"Well, that's true."

"Anyway, we'll have to find a way to get to her...him...it...whatever, again. We gotta kill Steiner."

Despite the beating, both Jack and Kai were feeling mildly hopeful. At least, until the voice of a certain somebody who they did not expect to show up purred from behind them, "Well now, why would you want to kill me?"

"Oh, fuck."


	13. Faretheewell

I had a lot of fun writing this; and as you have already likely guessed from the huge gap in updates, I'm discontinuing this along with everything else I've put on this website. My love for fanfiction has really just died out, but I don't regret doing this – it was good practice, and really got me into the art of writing itself! But I can't escape the fact that this is an extremely poorly written story, and I've moved on and tried to improve. There was a time this kind of thing was really important to me, but my motives, inspirations, and tastes have changed; and while I still write, I steer clear of this sort of style now.

I still submit my works online, however – I have a Deviantart account! I do a lot of horror and fantasy now. I've put the link on my main page. My username is Virgini-Merisusa.

If you'd like to talk, or to see my work, or if you want me to take a look at your own work, it would be great if you could contact me there!

Thank you guys for all the past support and I hope to hear from you elsewhere!


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